Are You Guilty Of This When Dating? Low Investment+ Low Interest = Lousy Interaction
Low Investment+ Low Interest = Lousy Interaction
Trigger Warning!! This article might sound like a tirade in some places as it is inspired by many of the rather pessimistic-sounding messages I receive daily from people who want me to wave a magic wand and make it happen for them.
FYI, The only wand I own is the type that plugs into the wall, and if I could instantly make it happen for people (with a sprinkle of magic dust), I’d be a lot richer than I am.
Over the last few years, as I have made my mark in the world of Ethical Non-Monogamy, there is a behavioural pattern that I have become aware of, and it looks like this:
Low Investment+Low Interest = Lousy interaction
When discussing this within the context of my niche, Ethical non-monogamy and the swinger lifestyle, it’s a pattern that I have witnessed repeatedly.
As someone who has spent the last few years dedicated to making it happen for herself (my career choice is controversial, to say the least), I struggle to find very little empathy with those who display the traits of the above pattern.
But I have been there too once and have been on the receiving end of this behaviour. I don’t want anyone else to waste their time or inadvertently waste someone else’s time by their behaviour.
Let’s talk about investment.
Before I launch into how investment applies to Ethical non-monogamy, let’s talk about investment in general.
Time, effort, education, finance and emotion can all be investment forms. And many people need to realise that you can only expect great results if you are willing to invest in these areas equally. I believe the following can be applied to most niches, hobbies or interests. Don’t worry; it’s not as daunting as it sounds.
Time: How much time do you have to dedicate to something? How much time are you willing to spend on something, or with someone, or on your self-improvement? Time is the only thing we can’t make more of, so spend yours wisely.
Effort: How much effort are you putting into something? Are you matching others’ energy? Are you applying yourself to get the best results?
Education: When I first started thiskindagirl, I realised that I needed to learn about how to set up a website, how to market myself, and how to use social media. I had to learn everything from scratch. What steps are you taking to educate yourself?
Finance: You don’t have to have loads of money to succeed, but sometimes it is necessary to progress, especially if there is a knowledge deficit. I will talk about financial investment and the swinger lifestyle later on.
Emotion: How engaged are you, and how much of yourself are you willing to give? Here, I’m not necessarily referring to romantic emotion, as sometimes this doesn’t apply or is not what we are looking for; instead, I’m referring to how much of yourself you are willing to share. And how interested, compassionate, and understanding are you of those whom you may meet?
Hi Rosie, (insert any of the following) I visited a swingers club/ I joined a swinger website/ I made a profile on a swinger dating app/ I emailed a swingers club…Why am I not getting anywhere?
As I said at the beginning of this piece, these types of questions I receive on a frequent basis. Although ‘Why am I not getting anywhere?’ is an extensive topic, with maybe 100 potential answers, the integral reason is that the sender is not ‘invested’ in their pursuit.
I’m sure you are familiar with the concept that hard work = results.
And when it comes to Ethical non-monogamy, it is no different.
It takes time, patience and knowledge, and if you want to be a success, you need to be able to put yourself in situations that make you feel shit scared.
But I don’t need to tell you that doing this reaps the rewards. Or do I?
Changing your mindset about dating in general
If you want success in the lifestyle, and let’s face it, that’s what we all want, then you have to change your mindset to match those you want to meet.
If you are serious about wanting to get involved, you have to be able to attract those who are also serious, and that means looking in the right places.
Before discussing ENM dating and the lifestyle, let’s discuss dating generally because the same logic applies.
The Tinder Mentality
Let’s take Tinder as an example. (I have nothing against Tinder, it serves a purpose). What first springs to mind when we say the word Tinder? Hook up? Easy sex? Swipe right? Instant gratification? Validation based on 2–3 pictures?
Tinder might market itself as a ‘dating app’, but in reality, it’s a marketplace for people to view each other with the potential of meeting for casual sex.
Why? Because it’s a ‘low investment’ site that allows ‘low investment interactions’. That’s what it’s made for, so that’s what people expect. If you use Tinder (and I have myself in the past), you have to accept that you will be swiped on by people who are not necessarily interested in ‘dating you’ and are probably there instead to meet people to ‘hook up’ with.
Why? Because that’s what it’s there for. And that’s what people have come to accept. You can’t expect great results from a site like Tinder (or a free swingers dating site) as the users are not invested in the long term. Yes, some users will be looking to date seriously, but because it attracts ‘low investment mindset users,’ the more serious Tinder user’s experience won’t be fruitful. In other words, they will have their time wasted. So, if you are looking for serious people, use a site that encourages investment from its users. Otherwise, searching in a place that doesn’t contain what you are looking for is futile. I know there are exceptions to the rule, but speaking from experience and from working with clients, low investment is the name of the game for sites like Tinder.
Struggling With Meeting People
The main area that people struggle with is meeting people initially, as many couples and singles struggle to connect with other genuine swingers. This is usually down to one of two reasons: They are either looking in the wrong places (hookup sites, free-swinger dating websites, or apps full of fake swingers), or they need to learn how to attract genuine people to their profile.
Investment In The Lifestyle.
The simplest answer is quite often the easiest one, and sometimes, it’s not the fact that there’s no one out there or you’re not accepted; it’s you who needs to take control of your experiences. The responsibility to succeed lies with you. So stop wasting your precious time.
Tinder may be a vanilla dating example, but I hope it highlights how futile it is to search for something or someone in a place where they don’t exist.
If you want to be matched investment-wise, you’ve got to go to the places where those people are. This is what I always teach my clients; it is a waste of your time shopping for luxury Belgian chocolates in the off-licence, as all you will get is something that claims to be luxury but is cheap shit wrapped in fancy packaging.
- Spend time making an engaging, interesting and exciting profile to read. A profile that demonstrates you are serious about the lifestyle and your intentions. Make a profile that draws in high-value people to your inbox, people who are an equal match. How can I do this, Rosie? Here are some blog articles to get you started.
- Invest in a good quality swinger dating site. If you want to meet genuine swingers, it makes sense to be where they are, and in most cases, they are using sites full of fellow real swingers. There’s no point in using the free sites or the hookup sites, as they are simply a waste of your precious time. I reccomend SDC or SLS. Yes, you will have to pay a subscription for one of these, but the fact that you have to do that and make an investment speaks for itself. If you have to pay for a product, you will use that product and treat it as a paid service, not a free thing to wank over.
- Take time to learn about the lifetsyle. Swinger Lifetsyle blogs, podcasts, YouTube channels, social media and magazines are all available. When I first started in the lifestyle, there was no information or help available other than from the people I met in clubs and at parties, but that meant attending without any prior knowledge. However, you don’t have to do this; you can find out exactly what the lifestyle is like before getting involved. It pays to do some research. What are couples looking for in single male swingers? How do vanilla dates with other swinger couples work? How do you approach others in clubs? How can you make a membership to a club? The answers are all there, but you have to take the first step. Regularly, I receive questions from people asking me, ‘How can I meet swingers?’ I reply and send them a link to a free blog article highlighting all the different ways that they can meet swingers. However, they do not use the article as often as they aren’t interested in reading it or understanding the importance of educating themselves. If they aren’t interested in taking this essential first step, they won’t succeed in the lifestyle. Essentially, they want me to wave a magic wand and make it happen. I can’t, I won’t, and I don’t have this ability. It starts with you!
- Be an engaged member of the online community. Some of us look online but remain in the background, waiting for people to come to us. Others put themselves out there and engage with others first via discord communities, online communities and chats on the swinger websites. The harder you work, the more results you get.
- Accept that you are going to have to part with some cash if you want to make it happen. Subscriptions to websites, club memberships, event tickets, and vanilla dates cost money, and you have to be prepared to pay for at least one of these things if you wish to participate. One question I have heard over the years from people is, ‘Why can’t I just swing for free?’ Well, you can, in theory, IF you have put in the time and effort first and either 1) have a circle of swinger friends that you can play with in the comfort of your own home or 2) have an amazing profile on a free swinger dating site that draws in like-minded people who you match with. But let’s get real, if you have a ‘want it all for free’ mentality, you probably won’t be willing to put in the hard work and effort required to build up those swinger lifestyle connections, and if you don’t wish to pay for a ticket to a social event, you probably won’t meet an awful lot of people.
Struggling to Meet People In Swinger Clubs
‘I visited a swinger club but didn’t know how to interact with anyone; I paid £90 and got nothing’.
A guy is willing to pay £90 for a ticket to a swingers club but does not wish to invest any of his time or effort into learning how to behave once inside. He doesn’t know how to build up a rapport with couples and is sidelined time and time and time again by other men. He spends the whole night getting his approach wrong and leaves feeling humiliated, frustrated and rejected. He thinks:
‘there’s no place for me in the swinger world; they only want bigger men, or more ripped men or more mature men; I paid £90 and got nothing.’
Why he didn’t have success had nothing to do with these; it comes down to his fundamental lack of understanding about the lifestyle in the first place.
Had he invested his time and effort into learning about the lifetsyle, how to overcome his fears and realise that success is not a ‘physical’ trait, he would have gotten much further; coincidently, he also would have learnt that high financial investment (£90) does not equal involvement as it takes far more than simply purchasing a ticket to be part of the lifetsyle.
(again, if it were, I would be out of a job.)
How I Am Trying To Change Things: Introducing My Lifestyle Blueprint
There is a solution to combat the Low investment + Low Interest = Lousy interaction mindset that so many people adopt (people like my clients before they start working with me).
Because here is the thing: people don’t always realise that they are making the mistakes I have written about in this article.
Very often, when I point it out to them, they suddenly realise that they are the reason that they have not been successful or have been struggling. And what they need to change their approach and mindset and take steps to become a more serious contender.
This is essentially what I have based my Lifestyle Blueprints on: the steps my clients took that have delivered them success. The blueprint courses for couples and single people, men and women, each contain details on how each client succeeded in the lifetsyle and overcame difficulties they were facing. Yes, all of my clients have been different, but they have all shared one common trait: they have all been invested in their journey. And, in the blueprints, I share the secrets to their success with you.
Lifestyle Blueprint Coming soon to thiskindagirl.co.uk