As an ENM Relationship Coach, I wasn’t surprised Ashley Maddison was created; here’s why.
Ashley madison. Urgh, it even sounds yucky, doesn’t it?
I first came across this morally bankrupt horror a few years ago when researching ‘dating apps for swingers’ and was horrified that it existed, but mixed with my repulsiveness, there was also a realisation that, of course, there was business profiting off people having affairs.
Extramarital sex is one thing we humans are great at having.
Although what they were promoting wasn’t new (sex has always sold), I found it most shocking that they were brazen enough to post it on billboards across the world.
But was it shock, or was it slight admiration?
Essentially, what they were selling was the one thing that people, pretty much all couples, were scared of the most: their partner having an affair. And they said with brutal honesty, ‘This is what we sell’.
Yes, this is an absolute horror of a business plan, but I also think it’s a stroke of genius. Having an affair isn’t illegal; it’s just morally wrong and unjust.
When I saw a documentary advertised about its downfall, I was both pleased and morbidly curious about the damage done. So, of course, I watched it.
The reasons for the site didn’t surprise me.
In most societies worldwide, we are only ever taught about two things when it comes to relationships: marriage and cheating.
Marriage is often seen as the most sought-after happy ever after, the holy grail of satisfaction and contentment.
And its counterpart is cheating: The destroyer of worlds, lust-filled greed fueled by sex obsession; those who are married must do everything in their power to avoid being cheated on, and if you cheat, you have failed life’s great test, you scum.
We aren’t taught about ethical non-monogamy, open relationships, swinging or alternative lifestyles at a young age, we are only taught about marriage or, at the very least LTRs and cheating.
Instead, we are taught, told and expected to grow up and have totally monogamous relationships and marriages (regardless of our sexuality) and live happily ever after with one person without really understanding what this means.
This one person is supposed to support us, be emotionally exclusive with us, love us, care for us and fulfil every sexual desire that may enter our heads.
That’s an awful lot for one human to deal with! So what if you are happy to be emotionally exclusive, you support and love one another, you work hard to provide for your family, and you care for one another unconditionally, but one of you (or both partners) identify as Bisexual? Or has the desire to watch you having sex with others?
So what do people who have these desires wish to express this part of their sexuality do?
Some suppress it and always wonder what if? Some look outside the relationship and don’t get caught. Some look outside the relationship and do get caught, which sadly and invariably results in the relationship they have worked so hard for falling apart! Not to mention, they will probably be made to feel shame, guilt and embarrassment if they have been hooking up with same-sex partners.
We have been in monogamous relationships for 100s of years, but people have been having extramarital sex throughout this period, doesn’t that tell you something? I’m afraid being non-monogamous is in our DNA
Ashley Maddison knew this, and they also knew that for many people, it was far easier to join their website than it was to sit down with their partner and talk about ethical non-monogamy because here is the thing:
There are several reasons that people cheat, and you may be surprised to hear that I believe one reason is rooted in fear. Many people are scared of talking to their partners about opening up their relationship, yet they still experience the urges and desires to have sex with others, so they think their only option is to cheat on them and hope not to get caught.
They perhaps don’t fully understand why they seek out intimacy with others. All they know is that they are experiencing the desire to want to have sex with other people.
People don’t always cheat because they are unhappy. Instead, they allow fear of rejection, an inability to talk openly and honestly, and not being able to accept their sexuality as being the deciding factor. In a nutshell, it is simply too daunting; it’s easier to cheat, right?
Another factor that I think contributes towards people cheating is that they are scared of what might happen if they open up about their relationship. This in itself is deep-rooted in insecurity. For some, the thought of their partner having sex with another person, in their mind, could spell disaster for the relationship, and they might discover the grass is greener.
But instead of talking about it and addressing these insecurities, they continue to cheat and deceive even though they are well aware that they are potentially jeopardising the relationship. Why? because they believe it is easier to cheat than to show vulnerability. Plus, they perhaps don’t know any alternatives- or maybe think its too risky to explore alternatives.
It wasn’t the fact that they were promoting extramarital sex; it was the fact that they were saying, ‘We are going to capitalise on something that you are either doing or thinking of doing.’
‘we know what you do, and we know we can make money from it’
The most extreme examples
The Netflix documentary took an extreme example of one person who had been caught up in the scandal and featured this particular story throughout the series. And, of course, it was the most extreme example: a god-fearing, Christian family man who had started a vlog series with his equally wholesome Christian wife and family.
They vlogged everywhere they went and became social media sensations, so when they fell, or instead he fell, he fell from a particularly great height. God’s grace couldn’t save him from being outed in the Ashley Maddison scandal, and I found myself having mixed emotions when he was outed.
On the one hand, I felt smug that he had been outed, his squeaky clean, holier than thou image in tatters, his Christian riches nous couldn’t save him from the cold hard fact that he chose to have an affair.
However, on the other hand, I felt sorry for him and others in the documentary who were bumbling along through life and marriage without any ideas about how to work with human nature or embrace how they were feeling; how could they explore ENM when the religious construct they subscribed to didn’t allow for this? Instead, they saw a quick-fix solution in Ashley Maddison but were left picking up the pieces after the data breach.
Ethical non-monogamy did feature ish.
But it wasn’t all doom and gloom; there was a *slight* mention of the word Ethical non-monogamy, and a few of the interviewees admitted that they started using Ashley Maddison in the first place because they didn’t feel like monogamy was the right option for them and didn’t know where to look to explore ENM.
My first reaction was to think, well, it looks to me like you signed up for the first site that offered you NSA, but remember; this was back in the early and mid-2000s when educational sites like my own, thiskindagirl.co.uk and alternative dating sites such as CNM4US didn’t exist. The online dating market was dominated by sites such as Plenty of Fish and match.com, so it was no wonder the people who were curious to explore ENM slipped into the world of Ashley Maddison- quite simply, there were no alternatives out there.
Ashley Maddison was snapping up everyone. From those who were sure they wanted to do the dirty to those who were perhaps curious but not fully committed to simply having an affair.
Does this make it right? No, what they should have done was stop and have a conversation with their partner. However, they did then go on to find other people who also identified as ENM and, with this, realised that maybe monogamy with their existing partner wasn’t right for them after all.
As for Ashley Maddison, I believe it is still skulking around the dark corners of the internet somewhere, nursing its wounds and saying yes, but you need me. No, what we need people to understand that there is more than one way to a relationship and that they don’t have to live a life either looking for opportunities to cheat or live in fear of being cheated on.
