Do sex workers and the swinger lifestyle mix? Here are five reasons why I say they do.
A few weeks ago, I received a question that sounded a little like this ‘Hi Rosie, I want to swing with my wife. Shall I hire us an escort?’ Now, for me, not only did this question get me thinking about why a couple might want to ‘swing’ with a sex worker, but it also brought to my attention, or shall I say re-ignited (for I had already made notes on sex workers and the swinging lifestyle) my desire to create a piece of content based on not only my experiences of meeting sex workers in the lifestyle but also clients who have met sex workers and their reasons for doing so.
Much like the ‘why I don’t kiss swingers’ content, this topic has people divided. And that’s fine. That’s why I am here; to inform, educate and explain both sides of the argument.
Imagine a sponge cake; I am diplomatic buttercream, supporting both sides.
My experience of sex workers
You may not be aware of this, but I, Rosie Kay, a swinger lifestyle expert and Ethical non-monogamy coach, have used a ‘sex worker’.
Plus, I’m a curious cat, and I wanted to see what it was like.
Yes, I hired a professional dominatrix to, well, Domme me. And I loved it. But it wasn’t quite as simple as that, as she was hired for me by an ex-partner who also enjoyed being dommed. So in effect, we enjoyed ENM and being ‘dommed’ together (although no actual sex occurred).
But the point I’m trying to make is that ‘sex workers’ come in various forms and provide all manner of services.
Surely it would have been easier (and cheaper) to meet someone on the swinger scene for this? Not really; you pay professional prices if you want a professional service. With ‘regular’ people, it takes a lot more negotiating. Plus, I’m a curious cat, and I wanted to see what it was like.
The sex workers I’ve met in clubs.
Having visited many different clubs over the years and met 100’s distinct swingers, I have occasionally met individuals who have been escorts, accompanying other guests. I’ve enjoyed meeting T-girls, male and female escorts and Dommes.
And I can see the appeal of hiring someone. If you don’t have time for conventional dating or can’t imagine having the ‘shall we visit a swingers club’ conversation with someone you are only just getting to know, then yes, I see the appeal of hiring someone to accompany you. And in some cases, that’s been the sole purpose of the arrangement, to provide company in a very alien environment.
I had my suspicions then, but this confirmed it. The man was for hire.
A while ago, I was at a club in London alone, and while sipping a G&T, a couple caught my eye. She was a lady older than myself, maybe mid 50’s with blond hair and dressed in a blue cocktail dress; she looked nervous, a little ‘over glamourous’, and I could see she was quite wide-eyed. Although she was dressed to impress (i.e. she wanted to be seen), I knew immediately it was her first time at a swingers club.
Her male partner, by comparison, was around 15 years younger and was sporting a black satin shirt; the first three buttons were undone, his hair was slicked back, and everything about him screamed ‘confidence’. The way he stood, moved, and danced (verging on the erotic), it was apparent that this wasn’t his first rodeo.
Plus, I recognised him from a few weeks previous when, low and behold, I’d seen him with another 50-something nervous looking, potentially newly divorced and looking for adventure lady friend. I had my suspicions then, but this confirmed it. The man was for hire. And why the hell not? Attending a swingers party is nerve-wracking enough; taking along a passion-filled partner to accompany you is one way of making it less daunting.
I caught the eye of the owner and gave a meaningful glance in the direction of Mr Silky’s shirt. ‘Gigilo’ she mouthed back to me. I nodded and squinted my eyes by means of ‘ I knew I was right’.
Some clubs allow sex workers.
Now, as a rule, the club I mentioned here doesn’t allow ‘sex workers’ in the conventional sense; you can’t rock up and start charging £50 a blow job.
But they are sympathetic to some individuals’ circumstances and understand that sometimes, sex workers play an essential role in the guest’s experience. Some escorts have great relationships with clubs, and ultimately if the client is being charged the price of a couples ticket and attending the event ‘as a couple’, then who are they to stop this? Plus, the club owners have the final say over who gets a ticket as all sales are approved, so they can still ‘vet’ ticket sales. If they know the escort in question, then chances are, they are far more lenient of the circumstances.
Hired Pro Dommes
When it comes to the world of BDSM and swinging, there’s a grey area we need to discuss.
It is important to remember that some, not all, pro-dommes are hired to attend BDSM events in clubs. Now although they are not ‘sex workers’ per sey (Pro Dommes provide a unique service which doesn’t include sex), they are hired individuals who work to facilitate the guest experience. It takes a certain type of person to be a domme, and there’s a real art to it, so why not hire a professional?
Some clubs are anti-sex workers.
Some clubs, of which I am very familiar, have a strict ‘no sex workers’ policy, and to become a member of their club, you have to go through a rather vigorous vetting system. After initially enquiring about the club, a couple may be asked to meet with the host for a tour of the club, and if all parties feel comfortable, they are then offered a membership.
And, even if a single man goes through this process and becomes an approved member, he will have to re-apply as a couple if he wants to bring a female guest. They will only be given a couples membership if they regularly attend as a couple. Which, if you want to take along an escort, doesn’t really work in the long run.
Many people, and I include my former self in this, find it bizarre that swingers may use escorts or sex workers
Asking for verifications is another method clubs may use to ensure that only genuine swinger couples attend. You may only be able to purchase a ticket once you have had your swinger profile checked for verifications by the event organiser. You can learn more about verifications and why they are important here.
Why might swingers use sex workers?
Many people, and I include my former self in this, find it bizarre that swingers may use escorts or sex workers, but over recent years I have met several clients who made me rethink what I thought I knew about escorts in the lifestyle.
A year ago, I was approached by a couple who were both less able-bodied. They were both wheelchair users, and although they did have some movement in their limbs and bodies and could enjoy sex, they didn’t have the same mobility that most couples have when having sex and were confined to only a few intimate acts. For them both to have sex the way they wanted, they needed assistance and that assistance needed to be 1) open-minded about swinging and 2) understanding of their situation.
this is 2023 and ‘sex workers’ are breaking the mould.
After a few calls with me, where we spoke about rules, boundaries and how to navigate the world of swinging as a disabled couple, they called me excitedly to say that they had found an escort who was willing to accompany them to a local swingers club and if all parties were comfortable on the night, would possibly be able to facilitate their desires.
After working with this couple, I understood that although they could have persevered with the traditional methods of finding a play partner, the realities of finding someone who was able to tick all the boxes and was happy to play with a disabled couple (because let’s face it, we are all judgemental) was pretty sparse. Going down the escort route provided them with a much more straightforward solution.
Let’s rethink who sex workers are.
What (or who) do you imagine when I say the words ‘sex worker’? Fishnets, mini skirts and street corners? Drug addicts, drink and debauchery?
Er, no, this is 2023 and ‘sex workers’ are breaking the mould. From camming to only fans. Just becuase your ‘medium’ for work is sex, there are many ways that you can sell it without ever having to leave the house.
It’s not uncommon for women, especially sexually liberal women (like those who frequent swinger clubs), to have an only fans account, as well as a regular 9–5. In theory, they are sex workers; they sell ‘sex’, so can they not visit clubs? Are they discriminated against due to their side endeavours? Absolutely not. The next time you are in a swingers club, I can guarantee that you will be in the presence of ‘sex workers’, and you will have no idea!
