ENM: The Shift That Rewrote My Relationship Rules (And Yeah, I’m Still Learning)

As a relationship expert, I’ve seen a lot. But my own journey into ethical non-monogamy (ENM) was the real game-changer. People always ask, “What was your first couple swap like?” Like, was it a total trainwreck? Honestly, I thought it would be.

But here’s the kicker: it wasn’t. It was… surprisingly okay. We swapped with another couple, and despite my initial jitters, it was more of an “aha” moment than a disaster. A lightbulb went off: “Wait, there’s another way to do this relationship thing?”

I’ve been exploring ENM for over a decade, and it’s completely reshaped my views on relationships, commitment, intimacy, the whole shebang. So, let’s dive in. I’m going to share some of the key revelations I’ve had, explore why monogamy can feel limiting, and highlight the five essential lessons ENM has taught me.

Redefining Commitment: It’s More Than Just Physical Presence

We’ve been conditioned to equate commitment with physical exclusivity. But in my experience, commitment is far more nuanced. It’s about emotional investment, mutual support, and a shared vision. Just because a couple chooses an open or ENM relationship doesn’t mean they’re incapable of commitment. In fact, I’ve found that ENM often demands a higher level of commitment. It requires open communication, unwavering trust, and a willingness to navigate complex emotions together.

The truth is, we often confuse commitment with emotional exclusivity. You can be deeply committed to someone while also exploring intimacy with others. ENM couples are committed to making their relationship work, to creating a lifestyle that benefits both partners. This takes effort, dedication, and a conscious choice to prioritise the relationship. And as relationship dynamics evolve, it doesn’t signify a lack of commitment; it signifies a commitment to growth and mutual fulfilment.

The Shelf Life of Monogamy: Challenging the Status Quo

Let me be clear: I’m not anti-monogamy. I recognise its value, particularly in raising children and establishing a stable family life. However, I also believe it comes with inherent limitations. Monogamy, in its traditional form, doesn’t always align with human nature, sexual exploration, or curiosity. It serves a purpose, but I believe it has a shelf life.

Can one person truly fulfil all your needs, sexual and emotional, for a lifetime? Probably not. ENM allows for the exploration of desires in a way that is ethical and consensual. It allows couples to maintain emotional exclusivity while acknowledging the complexities of human sexuality. We are hardwired to connect and explore, and ENM provides a framework for doing so responsibly.

If monogamy were truly the answer, why is infidelity so prevalent? Why do so many people cheat? I believe fear plays a significant role. Fear of discussing alternative relationship structures, fear of judgment, fear of losing their partner. But by embracing open communication and exploring ENM, we can potentially save ourselves a lot of heartache.

Relationships That Didn’t Serve Me: Finding My Authentic Voice

I used to believe that finding “the one” meant my personal growth was complete. Societal expectations had me convinced that I’d reached my destination. But I was wrong. I was living a life of quiet desperation, hoping my partner would fulfil my unspoken needs.

Like many, I’ve been in relationships that didn’t serve me. It took time to develop the confidence to articulate my needs and desires. I settled for attention, affection, and security while sacrificing acceptance, understanding, and genuine connection. I was afraid to “rock the boat.”

ENM empowered me to break free from these limiting beliefs. I learned to prioritise my own needs and to communicate them clearly. I discovered my value and learned to set boundaries. I stopped waiting for someone else to make my dreams a reality and started creating my own.

Why the Fear of Anything Other Than Monogamy?

Cheating and monogamy are inextricably linked. The fear of infidelity is a driving force in many monogamous relationships. But we’ve forgotten that humans weren’t necessarily designed for lifelong monogamy. We’re so focused on avoiding cheating that we ignore the middle ground — ENM.

Many people cheat out of fear. Fear of discussing their desires, fear of judgment, fear of losing their partner. They resort to secrecy and deception because they don’t know any other way. We’ve been taught that monogamy is the only “correct” way to have a relationship, and anything else is taboo.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. We can unlearn these limiting beliefs and explore alternative relationship structures with honesty and integrity.

Five Lessons ENM Has Taught Me (The Real Deal):

1. Commitment is multifaceted: It extends beyond physical exclusivity and thrives on emotional connection. It’s about being dedicated to making your chosen relationship structure work. Communication is key, and honesty is non-negotiable.
2. Authenticity is paramount: Be proud of who you are, and demand respect from your partner. They don’t have to join you, but they do have to respect you. Find someone who accepts and celebrates your authentic self.
3. Open relationships don’t equal disaster: They can strengthen relationships through communication and consent. I learned about consent, about letting my partner have their own experiences without me needing to be involved in every single one. It taught me trust.
4. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to ENM: You do you! As long as everyone’s on the same page and there’s clear communication and consent, you’re good. Experiment, find what works for you and your partner(s). It’s an exploration, not a rulebook.
5. You are responsible for your own sexual fulfilment: Don’t rely solely on your partner; communicate your desires and explore your own sexuality. It’s scary to open up, but it’s so worth it. Resentment builds when you don’t share your needs. Take the lead, have fun, and enjoy the journey!

ENM has been a transformative journey for me, and I’m still learning every day. It’s about breaking down the walls, challenging the norms, and creating relationships that work for you. So, let’s keep the conversation going!