Hi Rosie, am I expected to have sex with other men in a swingers club?

Rosie Kay aka ThisKindaGirl
5 min readNov 28, 2023

Am I expected to have sex with other men in a swingers club?

Recently, I received a question from someone that took me right back to a feeling that I experienced when I first started swinging: feeling like I had to get involved at a swingers club and being turned off by the thought of having sex with a random man.

The thought of an extra penis did little for me.

So, when I received this question, I knew exactly how the sender felt.

‘Hi Rosie, my husband and I have been talking about visiting a swingers club, but I am worried that I will have to have sex with another man; what should I do?’

I’ve been there, too, and know exactly how you feel.

When I first started in the lifestyle, I had little to no desire to have sex with another man. The thought of an extra penis did little for me. And to feel another man’s hands on me or mouth on me was a step too far. I felt uncomfortable even thinking about it, and at times, I still do. What I was interested in instead was meeting and potentially playing with other women. In my mind, I already had a penis (my partner at the time), so why would I want another one?

I didn’t want to explore with single men or have full swaps with couples; it just wasn’t my thing.

Now, the main reason for my reluctance was because, as a bisexual woman, I didn’t find the thought of playing with men exciting, not nearly half as exciting as it was the thought of playing with a woman.

But what if you are not bisexual? What if you are a straight woman who sure wants to visit a Swingers club or a woman who is open to some degree of playing with a couple, but the thought of being ‘fully intimate,’ i.e. engaging in penetrative sex with a man, is a step too far. Is this still ok? Or should you just take one for the team and get on with it? After all, you are in a swingers club, right? You don’t want to be accused of wasting anyone’s time, so what do you do?

The pressure we place on ourselves can be the most damaging.

When we are on the outside looking in, we can sometimes place unrealistic expectations on ourselves, especially if we have no prior experience with that activity. And swinging, or visiting a swingers club, is a great example of this.

Sadly, I’ve been there, and I do not want anyone else to take one of the team, all in the name of not killing the vibe.

I don’t need to tell you that swinging is taboo, or as I like to say, ‘niche’. And sometimes, because of the nature of what swinging is or represents, we don’t often sit down to discuss the ins and outs and how we deal with it with our regular or vanilla friends.

In effect, we don’t have people to talk to about Ethical non-monogamy, so we have very little to compare it to. So when we think of what the lifestyle might involve, we go for the more extreme examples or things we know to be true. We know that it involves couples swapping with other couples, so what stops you from having to do the same? We know that there’s a chance other men are going to find you sexually appealing, so what’s stopping them from asking to be involved? That’s what you are there for, right, to have sex?

It’s easy to see why people might place themselves under unnecessary pressure to participate or feel as though they have to get involved in something they are not 100% comfortable with.

Sadly, I’ve been there, and I do not want anyone else to take one of the team, all in the name of not killing the vibe.

Girl, state your boundaries and stick to them.

I wish I had been told this piece of advice sooner.

Don’t be tempted to get down and dirty just because others are! If you are not feeling a situation, then speak up, or remove yourself from it. Never be coerced into having sex or engaging in any play you don’t particularly want to to keep someone sweet or because everyone else is. You know what you like and stick to it.

be honest and upfront, communicate your limits

Not all swingers are comfortable with a full swap scenario. Some are working towards it gradually, and others only want to engage in soft play when swinging. This can be for a variety of reasons. Very often, a soft swap is a lot safer than a full swap, and some couples like to save penetrative sex to be enjoyed together. When talking to other couples, or if you are approached by couples who you suspect want to couple swap, be honest and upfront, communicate your limits, and don’t be afraid to put your needs first.

Why many women feel this way- the science behind it.

Over recent years, I have met many women both in swingers clubs and through my work as a coach who could themselves have been the ones asking me the question that features at the start of this piece.

Not wanting to be intimate with other men but wanting to be part of the lifestyle is not as uncommon as you may first imagine.

Being Ethically non-monogamous is a different experience for women than for men. I believe that for men, it is much more a physical, carnal desire than it is for women. Men don’t always understand why they want sex with other women; they just know that they do, and if they can do it whilst keeping their existing relationship intact, then even better! They are responding to that desire to pass on their genes and procreate (regardless of whether they are in a position to do so or not).

Women, in my experience, view their involvement in ethical non-monogamy as a journey of sexual exploration, the enjoyment of sharing desires with their partner, and many find themselves attracted to the fact that others desire them. Yes, they still may want to have sex with other people, but for many women, it’s less about the physical and more about the emotional enhancement they feel within their own relationship. Strange huh?

Although women will still get the niggling feeling to act upon their impulses, it is far less frequent than men. This, coupled with the fact that female bisexuality is much more widely accepted than male bisexuality, means that women may get involved for entirely different reasons.

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Rosie Kay aka ThisKindaGirl

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