Hi Rosie, I feel I am too old to start swinging

‘Hi Rosie, I feel I am too old to start swinging’

Today, I am challenging your misconceptions about the swinger lifestyle and, in particular, the misconceptions you have about age and swinging. Over the past few years, a fair number of people, both members of TKG Club and previous TKG coaching clients have been under the assumption that they have been ‘too old’ to start swinging. Some of you have confided in me that you have looked at swinger club websites and felt that you would feel like ‘the oldest person in the room’ and that with swinging becoming more popular over recent years, the rise in younger swingers would mean that you might not be accepted at events.

So, is age just a number? Should we take a back seat when we start going grey? Or should we embrace who we are, regardless of our age and go with it; after all, we only get so many trips around the sun!

My experiences of working with people who deem themselves as ‘too old.’

Recently, I was having a conversation with someone who asked me, ‘Who was my demographic?’ they were surprised to hear that many of the people who approach me, all of who have been a mixture of sexualities and genders, are often over the age of 45+.

‘They are not younger people necessarily’, I said, ‘in fact, many people contact me either when their children have grown up and flown the nest (thus giving them free time once again) or when they have found their circumstances changing unexpectedly. (I will share the story of one such previous client shortly). It is these people who contact me the most frequently, I continued.

The world of Ethical Monogamy is as appealing to people in their 20s as it is to people in their 50s and 60s. But the difference is that often younger people, who are at times more tech-savvy and certainly more accustomed to the world of online dating, do not require my help as much as older people do. Couples in their 50s, 60s and 70s have all contacted me, seeking guidance in navigating the world of online swinger websites. Initially, they were put off by the quick fix, hook-up culture found on many of the swinger apps and had reservations about whether they should be involved in the lifestyle or were wasting their time.

Essentially, it’s all about where you look and the methods you choose to implement. As an example, if you are an older couple, there is little point in looking at the Pineapple app, as it caters to a different, often younger, audience. With online dating being the go-to for many couples, chances are the pineapple audience may have initially met online, on a site like Tinder, for example, so they feel very comfortable with not only how the world of online dating works but also the instant gratification aspect that comes with it.

If you wish to meet people with whom you feel more aligned, it’s best to look in the places where they are. I suggest you try the CNM4US community.

Older Swingers in Clubs

‘But Rosie, what about swingers clubs? As a 60-year-old man with a 55-year-old wife, we feel we will be too old.’

Ok, I hear you, and whilst it would be dishonest of me to sit here and say ‘all swingers parties are open to all people’, they aren’t, but if you apply the same methods as when you are searching for people online, then I’m pretty sure you will find your tribe. There’s no point in attending a swingers party that is aimed at the under 40s or a night that is specifically for ‘young swingers’.

I advise going to a popular club with a wide range of events and sticking to couples-only nights. If you choose to visit a club that hosts both ‘younger swingers nights’ and regular nights, chances are the majority of the younger crowd will have partied on the younger swingers night already. This was certainly the case when I visited the Townhouse in Wirral. The Saturday night event, which took place the day after the ’40s and under party, was populated predominantly by couples who were 45+.

Remember that, as with all things swinger life and dating in general, you will always face rejection, and you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. If another person or couple deems you as ‘too old’, then there’s very little you can do about it. The best thing you can do is cast your net wide and find people you can connect with.

Let me introduce you to Rich.

Rich was a UK-based client in his 60s with minimal knowledge of the swinger lifestyle. All he knew was that he wanted to explore but needed to figure out how to get started. He said due to his circumstances, it had been a while since he had been intimate with a woman. He was also quite daunted by the prospect of ‘online dating and swinger online dating; this was something he knew existed but didn’t know how to use. He said that he felt very out of touch and was unsure of whether he would be accepted into the lifestyle due to his age.

During the first session with Rich, I did a deep dive into what he wanted to experience and the scenarios he was looking to get involved with.

I then helped him create a swinger dating profile on a site where other users valued the connections they were making instead of swiping through the faces they didn’t like.

Rich then started visiting swinger clubs that I recommended for him based on what he wanted to experience. He said he was keen to grow his social circle and meet fellow swingers of a similar age to him.

What was the outcome?

Rich went from having zero experience of the swinger lifestyle to attending parties and events. The last time he messaged me, he said this:

“Hi Rosie, I’m just catching up with you, I’ve booked a swinger holiday at a hotel takeover for a few weeks, and I’m really excited!”

Seeing Rich’s transformation was quite remarkable. Rich was an older guy who had previously been married for many years who, prior to working with me, falsely believed that there wasn’t a place for him in the swinger lifestyle.

But how old are swingers?

Swingers can vary widely in age, and there isn’t a strict age range that defines who participates in the lifestyle. However, certain trends can be observed:

Age Range

• 20s to Early 30s: Some younger couples and singles in their 20s and early 30s explore swinging as part of their sexual and relational exploration. This age group is often more experimental and might engage in swinging as they explore different relationship dynamics.
• 30s to 50s: The majority of swingers tend to be in their 30s to 50s. Many in this age group are established in their relationships, often seeking to spice up their sex lives or explore new experiences together. They might have the stability and communication skills needed to navigate the complexities of swinging.
• 50s and Beyond: Swingers in their 50s, 60s, and older are also quite common. Many in this age group have been in long-term relationships or marriages and are looking for new ways to keep their connection exciting or fulfill desires they may not have explored earlier in life.

Factors Influencing Age

• Life Stage: Age often correlates with where individuals are in life. Younger swingers might be experimenting, while older swingers might be more settled and clear about their desires.
• Health and Fitness: Physical fitness and health can influence participation. Many older swingers remain active and involved in the lifestyle well into their later years.
• Community and Social Circles: The age distribution can vary depending on the community or venue. Some clubs and events may cater more to younger or older crowds.

Inclusivity

• The swinger community is generally inclusive of all ages, with people finding connections based on mutual interests, chemistry, and respect rather than just age. While most swingers tend to be in their 30s to 50s, people from their 20s to well into their 60s and beyond participate in the lifestyle.

What do I think about age and swinging?

Before I go, I want to share this story with you. Last year, I attended a popular swingers club in the UK. The event proved so popular that it sold out, so I hoped to meet many new faces. I was there to review and grow my swinger social circle. I arrived quite early on, around nine thirty and found that many of the couples who were also arriving at this time were either younger than me or my age.

Ok, I’ll do my thing and see if any of these younger couples are willing to chat. I approached maybe 5 or 6 couples only to face rejection after rejection. But it wasn’t the rejection that bothered me. Something didn’t feel right with these couples, so I observed them from afar. Their body language was off; they clung to each other, seemed to view the other guests with suspicion, and didn’t seem to mingle much at all. Compared to other parties I had been to, where the guests may have been a little older, this gave me ‘doubtful vibes’.

A while later, after I had spoken to a few single people (they were willing to chat), the event had almost filled up, and I saw that the guests were now of mixed ages, and the atmosphere had changed somewhat. The couples clutching at one another and throwing scowls across the bar at one another had slunk off and were replaced by older, more postured, relaxed and engaging couples. How interesting, this is definitely something I need to write about!

That night, I realized that these younger swingers were perhaps not as grounded or secure as they would like to think they were. Instead of enjoying the social environment full of possibilities and taking the time to meet members of the swinger community, they seemed too hung up on what others were doing and who was talking to whom.

I believe that through age comes an understanding of who you are and self-confidence that stems from self-acceptance. So, if you have been sitting there thinking, ‘I’m too old; start swinging,’ I urge you to step forward and set an example for younger swingers.