Hi Rosie, my wife receives all the attention in our open relationship- why?

Hi Rosie, my wife receives all the attention in our open relationship- why?

When I received this question, I remembered a couple who had approached me with the same question. They, well, he, was feeling a little outshone by his wife who, after finally plucking up the courage to enter the lifestyle, was not only beginning to find her feet but also was beginning to find herself being extremely popular.

This sudden interest in his partner was not something the man had anticipated, and he was left questioning his decision and reasons for opening up their relationship in the first place.

‘This wasn’t how it was meant to be’, he told me. ‘I thought it would be equally open for the both of us!’

I shook my head.

‘I can’t stop your wife from being popular’ I replied. ‘But what I can do is help you navigate this dynamic so that it doesn’t harm your relationship.’

Within the swinger lifestyle especially, it is well known that it is usually men who initially suggest getting involved in the scene, but women who keep making it happen, time and time again.

And when we are talking about open relationships, again, it’s usually the man who suggests having the open relationship initially, with hopes of having access to multiple women, only to quickly realise that shit! It’s my wife, not me, who gets all the attention!

Why are women so popular?

Let’s explore one of the most common reasons women receive most of the attention within the lifestyle.

I don’t need to tell you that the world of Ethical Non-Monogamy is hugely popular with bisexual and bicurious women. Whether you enjoy meeting the female half of couples to play with in clubs or single women looking for FF encounters, if you want to get it on with women, then the world of swinging offers a large, delicious open door; come and dive in, it says, these women are married, but they are open to playing with women too.

Women. Open to playing with women, too. Not men. Because here’s the thing: women (either single, partnered or those in open relationships) are a lot more sought after than single men or men in open relationships.

Essentially, a bisexual woman is accessible to both the M and the F partner in a couple; in effect, she can have sex with them both, either separately or alone. Whereas a straight man only has limited appeal as he could have sex with the female and is usually pigeonholed into the role of Bull.

Because the market is flooded with wanna-be single men, many couples don’t seek out single men as they know that the minute they do, they will be inundated with hopefuls. They also know that if they do decide to bring a single man into the mix, it’s far easier to meet one in a swingers club, having let the club do the vetting for them.

Why do some people feel overlooked in their Ethically non-monogamous relationships?

No one likes feeling overlooked or cast aside, and when you aspire to enjoy Ethical non-monogamy equally, it can be a hard pill to swallow when you realise that it doesn’t always pan out that way. Naturally, we all want to feel equally ‘seen’ and validated by those around us, but opening your relationship and having the same kind of experience is very rare, as men and women are received differently in the world ENM; you only have to look at club admission policies to see this.

before you open Pandora’s box, think long and hard about your motivations for doing so.

Sadly, for many people, the fact that their partners receive much of the attention is too much to bear, and they soon start to resent their decision to venture down this path in the first place.

What effect can this have on couples?

It will come as no surprise that a sudden, developing interest in your partner can lead to feelings of insecurity, doubt and, in some cases, jealousy. Thankfully, this isn’t apparent in all couples who enjoy open relationships, but for those who don’t communicate well, fail to establish rules that support them both and have the tendency to see others as a threat, then sadly, being in an open relationship can leave them with a bitter taste in their mouth.

How to ensure this dynamic shift doesn’t harm their relationship?

As with most things ENM-related, it’s all about ensuring that you start from a place of mutual enjoyment and understand that if you open up your relationship, chances are one of you will be more popular than the other. Accepting this and having a realistic approach is what will help you navigate the tricky world of ‘Babe, I just received another message from a couple!’

If your reasons for opening up your relationship stem from wanting to simply ‘have more sex with more women’, then I’m here to bring you back down to earth.

So before you open Pandora’s box, think long and hard about your motivations for doing so. Is it so that you can both enjoy the benefits of communicating from a place of vulnerability? Is it so you can explore bisexuality, make new open-minded friends or maybe give your partner the freedom to do all of the above?

If yes, then you are onto a winner; if no, I urge you to reconsider; having an open relationship might not be for you after all.

What you can do to boost our appeal?

If you find yourself wondering how to stop feeling overlooked or like you are missing out while your partner enjoys the world of ENM, here are a few suggestions:

Sign up to a quality ENM dating site. Instead of using Fabswingers or writing on your profile that you will also ‘play separately’ and wondering why it is that people do not contact you, use a site that offers users the chance to meet more genuine and likeminded members and make a profile of your own, that sells you!

Be honest about your relationship dynamic when speaking to people online. Nothing says dodgy more than someone who says I am in a relationship, but I play on my own. Instead, start by stating that you are in a consensual, open relationship, and yes, your partner does know you have this profile, and you are happy to both talk about this, with a perspective meet, as you understand the importance of honest communication. You could also put a link to your couple’s profile or include pictures of you both together.

‘Your enjoyment and involvement feel threatening to me, and I do not like it’.

The world of swinger clubs can be a nightmare for single men, even for those who are not ‘single’. Instead of trying to get yourself on the guest list to a 90% couples-only party, why not attend a swinger social event instead? A social event allows you to meet like-minded people and sell yourself more authentically than online.

Celebrate your partner being popular

A while ago, I overheard someone complaining that their partner received more attention than them in a swingers club, and they looked like they were having ‘too much fun’. (I must admit, my first reaction was to think. ‘Man, you sound like a bitch!’)

Too much fun.

Let’s think about this statement for a minute. What is the person implying? That their partner can only have a certain amount of fun, and anything more than this is excessive and unnecessary?

Yes, it would appear so.

And the reasons for this are rooted in insecurity and fear.

What this person was really saying was, ‘Your enjoyment and involvement feel threatening to me, and I do not like it’.

If you have ever felt like this yourself or feel like you might respond in this way, don’t worry; I’m not here to criticise too harshly.

Instead, I will say this: To avoid feeling insecure or fearful, you need to establish rules and boundaries that support you both and discuss your fears openly before you plan to attend any club or meeting.

Talk about what you are and are not ok with and start to accept that people will check your partner out, and yes, one of you will receive more attention, but this doesn’t mean you are soon to be left wifeless or have to compete with those around you.

Embrace the fact that people find your partner attractive and don’t make her feel guilty for being seen. Instead, feel confident that you can open up your relationship without it impacting negatively. I know this is no easy feat, so I invite you to learn more about open relationships and the reality of being in one here.