How To Act In A Swingers Club
Why I wanted to make this article…
When working with my coaching clients on a 1–2–1 basis, they often ask me for advice on behaviour and etiquette in clubs.
‘How should I/we act in a swingers club? What behaviour is a no-no?’
And recently, it has come to my attention that it isn’t just my clients who want advice on this; I have received several questions and also heard statements from people that have made me think,
‘Er..it doesn’t really work like that.’
Some of these are as follows:
Am I guaranteed sex?
Is it a free for all?
Why do some men have more success than others?
How can I watch without being branded a pervert?
I feel like single men are hated in the swinger lifestyle.
Now, these questions may all be different, but they are deeply rooted in a similar topic. Behaviour. What kind of behaviour is appropriate in swingers clubs? And what is expected of you? How do you act in a sex-positive environment?
I believe it starts with your mindset and how you ‘view’ the world of swinging.
Over the last few years, I have observed several approaches people adopt regarding the swinger lifetsyle. I have broken them down into four categories. Sorry not sorry if this offends some folk; they are my opinions and not facts, remember!
Transactional- some people view visiting swinger clubs as a transaction in that they pay the fee to get in and receive the product (whatever they are there for). In reality, this is only sometimes how the world of swinger clubs work, as you cannot guarantee who you will meet. Some clubs cater to guests who want a more ‘transactional’ swinger experience, but there is a reason I have yet to write about them. You know what I’m saying, right?
Entitled- is a dangerous mindset to have, and ‘entitled’ behaviour is something I have witnessed from both men and women, couples and singles. Similar to the transactional perspective, ‘ entitled’ people believe that whatever they possess, be it money, status, or physical appearance, entitles them to more participation in a club.
Social- Some people visit clubs and parties as they enjoy the social element. They are often delighted to meet, mix and mingle with like-minded people and are not necessarily looking to get involved in anything intimate. Social swingers can sometimes be accused of ‘time wasters’ by other people, but for many, the social aspect is the reason they go. This isn’t to say they don’t wish to participate, but they don’t view it as must.
Expressive-I remember the first time I visited a club, and as I walked in, I saw a mature lady dressed in nipple tassels and a thong. As a young and rather inexperienced swinger, I was a little shocked to say the least. But now, what I have come to realise is that the world of swinger clubs, parties and events offers those who like to participate the opportunity to express themselves as they wish. With swinger clubs becoming more inclusive places and more people being open about their sexuality and also gender identity, swinger clubs offer a non-judgemental and supportive environment for self-expression.
What is the correct approach to have?
We are all different and enjoy our lifetsyle for various reasons. And sometimes, I attend clubs (especially when reviewing) for the social element instead of getting involved. So there really is no hard and fast rule as to what you should and shouldn’t do.
What is expected of you? How do you act in a sex-positive environment?
But I would say this; just because you have paid your money to get in, got a membership or know the owners, this does not entitle or guarantee sex or intimacy with anyone there.
Sex, especially swinger sex, is based on far more than being present in a club.
The best things to bring to a party, in my opinion, are an open mind, respect for all those present (regardless of whether you want to play with them or not) and a willingness to put in some hard work and effort, building up rapport, engaging in conversation and taking the time to get to know others.
Consent and why it’s the most important thing- regardless of what’s happening.
One question that I am often asked is:
‘does anything go at a swingers club?’
No. No. And if you didn’t hear me, no.
Just because you may be in a sex-positive environment, that does not mean anything goes with anyone at any point. We are all individuals, and you need to treat and respect people as individuals. We all have boundaries, personal rules and levels of intimacy we are comfortable participating in. Instead of trying to figure out what someone wants to do, Ask!
How to ask for consent while enjoying a gangbang.
Before I participated in an orgy, I was unsure how to communicate to others around me what I enjoyed and didn’t. And sometimes, I have found that there is a double standard when it comes to orgy participation. If a man doesn’t ask for permission to touch a woman (or man) and does so anyway, he could very quickly face the consequences and accusations. On the other hand, if a woman touches another woman or man without asking for consent, it is not always treated in the same way.
Instead of sitting there, not saying a word, thinking, ‘no one wants me,’ put yourself out there.
See my point? This is a double standard when it comes to consent, and I believe the only way to approach this is by saying this. You must ask for consent regardless of the situation, person, or intimacy. Just because someone is involved in an orgy, it doesn’t mean it is an open invitation to touch, grope, kiss or enter them.
If you are in a swingers club or party and see an orgy taking place (regardless of your gender, orientation or whatever is happening), you need to ask permission from the person you want to play with (not their husband or wife) before you get involved.
This could be as simple as asking, can I touch you? Or would you object if I joined in? Or is it okay if I kiss you here? And if they say ‘yes’ and only yes, you proceed.
Otherwise, I’m afraid it’s a no-go.
What to do if you are feeling nervous
Spoiler alert: feeling nervous, having a confidence crisis, and suddenly becoming shy is okay! It’s also okay if you find the whole experience of being in a swingers club a nerve-wracking one. Why? Because you are only human, and reacting in this way is normal.
Dating, intimacy, relationships, and sex; all come with added nerves, excitement and potential, and it’s normal to be nervous.
What’s not okay is falsely believing that because you don’t have the confidence to talk to people, there is, therefore, something wrong with you, and that you are being rejected based on face value. Sadly I have witnessed this type of behaviour many times; if you don’t interact with anyone, it’s not really fair to say that you have been rejected, is it? Expecting people to come up and talk to you and engage you in their conversation is not what you do. Instead, learn how to be confident in approaching others (even if you feel terribly shy).
Approaching other people is great because it does two things:
Firstly, it will get you used to making conversations with others. Therefore you will become practised in the art of making conversation when you are feeling uncomfortable (that’s how I learnt, by putting myself through the process). And secondly, people visit clubs for different reasons and want to play in different ways. Sometimes couples are only looking to play with singles or other couples, and by chatting with people, you learn more about what or who they want. Engaging in conversation broadens your opinions and beliefs about why people are in the lifestyle. So instead of sitting there, not saying a word, thinking, ‘no one wants me,’ put yourself out there.
Can I have a drink to relax?
Yes, but don’t be tempted to drink too much. In swinger clubs, there very often is alcohol, and it’s great to have a few drinks and relax, but the last thing you want to do is have far too much to drink. Drunken behaviour is not tolerated in clubs.
How to reject swingers
There will be times that you are the ones who have to decline or reject other swingers; I often feel guilty when I chat with other swingers but then don’t feel a spark. Sometimes I think I’m a little shallow if I don’t find them attractive, or sometimes I worry I come across as too forward or too kinky and I end up apologising for being the way I am!
I always try to be diplomatic to minimise their hurt feelings. It’s not your fault that you don’t wish to connect further, so you shouldn’t feel bad. It sure is easier said than done, though. One of my friends told me this after I was feeling down about rejecting a guy he said, ‘ Darling, you have done nothing; you have simply been yourself; you don’t have to apologise for the way you feel; you can’t help how you are. You like what you like; you can’t force yourself to feel a certain way, so don’t feel guilty.’
Don’t Be A Lurker
Before you brandish those who enjoy voyeurism as perverts, remember it’s unrealistic to get your kit off and have sex in a swinger club and be surprised that people are watching, especially if you are not in a private space or room. After all, if you are comfortable enough to play in a more ‘public’ area, you can’t always control who watches.
All too many times, I have seen couples and singles desperately ‘cling’ to fellow swingers simply because they are talking to them
However, there have been occasions I have been at a party and seen single men lurking outside private playrooms or trying to barge in on the action.
When single men go uninvited into a room where the door has been closed or stand and watch the action, sometimes reaching out to touch the participants without any prior communication, this behaviour a no-no!
If you want to watch, head to a club where they have orgys, as most orgy beds are in wide-open spaces and not in private.
How to let someone know you are interested
Okay, so you are saying the right things to a couple, engaging with them both, flirting, and being respectful, and you are pretty sure they are interested. But how do you let them know this without coming off too strong? How do you let someone know you are interested and want to play without saying rather bluntly, ‘So are we going to fuck?’
You have to show that you are interested but have other options and are not ‘desperate’ to play with them. All too many times, I have seen couples and singles desperately ‘cling’ to fellow swingers simply because they are talking to them.
What you should do instead, and I teach this to my clients, is pay the other people a complaint, plant a seed and move on. ‘I/ we think you guys are great, and we have enjoyed chatting; I/we will explore the club a little and check out the play rooms; perhaps we will see each other later?
If the other people want to play with you, they will know where to find you. And later on, if you meet other people and play with them instead, they should have moved faster to come and find you! And if they meet someone else and get busy playing with them, then the dynamic with you maybe wasn’t right for them. Either way, cast your net wide, so you are not simply honing in on the only people you start talking to.
Why do some men follow couples around a club?
One of the biggest complaints I hear from couples is this.
‘We enjoy going to swinger clubs but are freaked out by men who follow us around the club’
I know how they feel. This has happened to me so many times; it’s a turn-off, it feels threatening, and it’s something we need to discuss.
So why do single men follow couples around clubs? Well, I guess it’s because they are either 1) curious about what might happen, 2) are voyeurs and wish to watch others have sex or 3) are hoping for an invite or 4) all of the above.
Here’s what’s not going (or is highly unlikely) to happen.
The couple being followed turns around and says, ‘welcome in, guys; we don’t mind who gets involved; we are not interested in building up a connection, and we don’t want to discuss rules, boundaries and limits with you.
Because this is not how swinger couples get down, they want to play with people who are prepared to chat with them, respect them and know how to interact with them both. Walking around silently wanking does not in any way demonstrate this. Yes, you may be curious and may want to watch, but stick to watching where it’s appropriate; following a couple around until they lock themselves in a private room to get away from you will get you barred.
This type of behaviour demonstrates a lack of confidence, disrespect and a fundamental lack of disregard for how the lifestyle works. Don’t simply follow a couple around.
Talk to them, get to know them, chat, flirt, watch in public play areas and speak to more people; displaying this type of behaviour will get you much further.