How to discuss swinging with your partner

Rosie Kay aka ThisKindaGirl
9 min readJun 21, 2020

Before we start discussing how to convince your partner to try swinging, we need to talk about two crucial issues; coercion and emotional blackmail. And how these two abusive techniques should never be employed within a relationship to manipulate the other person into doing what you want.

Sadly, coercion and emotional blackmail techniques can be implemented by men and women to manipulate and bully their loved ones into situations and scenarios. Sometimes, unless they comply with whatever request is asked of them, they may find themselves on the receiving end of some pretty disgusting behaviour. No one should ever use these tactics in a relationship, never mind one that is potentially being introduced to the swinging lifestyle. Using phrases such as ‘if you loved me you’d do it’ and ‘everyone else is doing it, what’s wrong with you?’ are two examples of the very worst kinds of coercion behaviour.

Emotional blackmail can also be in the form of using manipulative tactics to force someone into doing something they initially refused to do. Eventually, after witnessing the other persons tears and distress, the victim ends up agreeing to something they never wanted to do, or don’t agree with because they are made to feel guilty for resisting. Eventually, the victim will resent being put in the situation, and the relationship will become toxic. Sadly chances are, once you call the person out on their manipulative traits, you will be met with denial of any wrongdoing, and thus, will probably be made to feel guilty again.

If you or your partner are guilty of either of these traits, I suggest you have a seriously long think about whether swinging is the right choice for you. And work hard on becoming a more wholesome individual. Afterall, id rather my partner want to participate out of their own sexual curiosity, rather than doing it to ‘keep the other person sweet.’

There is a big difference between compromise and coercion. A compromise would be you both agree to swing but decide to only participate in soft swap until the less confident partner feels ready to take the next step if that is something you both want. If you are willing to compromise with one another and accept each step steadily, you will be building the foundations to become a rock-solid swinger couple.

Sadly coercion does happen, and I have fallen victim to coercive behaviour myself in the past. I didn’t realise how destructive this behaviour was in a relationship until years later. Because of this experience, I’m a big advocator of female-led swinging, but I also recognise that men can be coerced by females employing these techniques. Very often, we associate swinging and coercive behaviour with men, but women are sadly equally to blame.

What type of relationship is suited to the lifestyle?

Ideally, you should already have a strong foundation to build on. It doesn’t matter if you are a long-established couple, or a reasonably new partnership, if you have love, communication and great sex, you have the building blocks in place for a strong swinger relationship. You can be a man, women, transgender person, straight, gay, bisexual or bi-curious, there are no strict rules as to who should or should not swing. It only matters that you have honesty.

One of my golden rules I always follow is this; swinger sex should never replace the sex you have as a couple; it should only ever add to it and enhance your already enjoyable sex life. A common concern I hear from couples is this ‘ does swinging replace the sex I have with my partner? My answer to that is absolutely not! Swinging, in whatever capacity, is sex that takes place together; wheater that’s full swap, soft swap or same room swinging. Even if it’s in the same venue but in different locations, it is still swinging as you are both present. In my opinion, sex outside of these boundaries is either cheating on one another or you're having an ‘open’ relationship, which again, isn't swinging.

It is natural that when we introduce the SWINGER word into our relationships, we are subject to a flurry of emotions. To suddenly feel jealousy, insecurity and fear is completely natural. Our relationships are our private worlds, opening them up to the public is not something we are taught how to do effortlessly! It is a scary prospect but doesn’t have to be.

Overcoming jealousy when swinging

Jealousy arises when we compare ourselves to others; we feel insecure. Don’t worry. It is a very natural response.

Before I learnt how to understand jealousy, I would continuously find myself comparing my looks and body shape to others. Although I knew I was a good looking woman with a great body, I was riddled with the same insecurities. Should another good looking woman with a great body, who was perhaps younger than me enter the same space, or perhaps engage in conversation with my partner ( at a social event for example) I would instantly feel insecure and envious. If I felt this way in regular life, how on earth was I ever going to be comfortable with swinging?

I started to understand that yes, there will always be women with bigger boobs or slimmer thighs which will be attracted to my partner. But this is all they have. They are not me. They only possess one or two of the things I don’t have. Trying to compete with all these threats became exhausting. It’s your partner’s role to make you feel secure and adored above all others. It doesn’t matter who you play with; they are not your partner and should never be prioritised over them! A great way to make one another feel secure is by simply telling your partner all the great things you love about them. The qualities that no one else can ever replace.

Dealing with insecurity

We are all insecure. Men, Women, Gay, Straight, Bisexual. Whoever you are, however you look, you will have insecurities about something! And when we are discussing potentially exposing ourselves and our vulnerabilities, we get defensive. Your first thoughts towards your insecurities are probably negative. I know mine are, even now! ‘ I don’t like how my bum looks’ or ‘ I don’t feel slim enough to wear that’ are two thoughts that flash through my mind whenever I’m feeling insecure about my body.

You will soon realise that all swingers have the same concerns about getting their kit off. Not all men have enormous dicks and loads of stamina, and not all women have perfect round boobs. We are all different. The thought of being exposed in front of strangers at a swingers party is a daunting one! Revealing all your hang-ups to the world is rightfully, a scary prospect! But it doesn’t have to be! No one is ever going to insist you remove all your clothes and line up for inspection! Feeling sexy and comfortable in whatever capacity works for you is vital!

Overcoming fears about swinging

Fear of losing your partner is another concern for many couples when having an initial discussion about swinging. The thought of them running off with another person, or believing the grass is greener on the other side are two completely normal and understandable reactions to swinging. Fear of them being fulfilled sexually, without you is another concern that I have dealt with over the years. I was discussing this topic with a boyfriend one time who had worries that another guy might full fill my sexual desires. I thought about this and answered him by saying that although I may have sex with another man, in a swingers scenario, that man doesn’t know all the things I intimately enjoy. Plus there are individual acts I would never indulge in with a man at a swinger party. Anal sex, for instance, is one I don’t participate in with anyone other than my long term partner.

How to initiate the swinging conversation?

I have a great detailed post on my site on how to have the swinging conversation where you will find a full article covering just this!

To get to the point where the conversation begins, I think its best you set the scene and take time to focus on your partner. Springing the swinging question on him when he’s just got home from work is probably not the best idea.

Here are two methods that will hopefully get you in the mindset to discuss swinging in a relaxed way.

  • Plan a trip to a sex shop together. Sexshop shopping might be something you already do as a couple, or you do alone, or have never done. I live in central London and am extremely lucky to have some fantastic stores right on my doorstep. Having a trip to a sex shop is a kinky and open way to explore sex. You can browse products at your leisure. Couples toys, outfits and double-ended dildos are all great topics for conversation. Chances are you will view products you didn’t even know existed and exploring them together can be a great starting point. Once you look at the double-ended dildo, (not that its a favourite of mine!) you could discuss how that could potentially be used on another woman. The same applies with strap-ons if your a guy and not keen on getting pegged yourself, perhaps having another couple who are open to it is another means of fulfilling her fantasy. I enjoy having sex with women and using my strap-on on them. Take your time and browse at your leisure. The whole point is to spark a conversation.
  • Watching threesomes or couples swap porn together. Now, I understand that porn isn’t for everyone, and if I do watch porn, I like there to be some plot to it, as opposed to the amateur stuff you can get. Erotic adult films that feature couples playing or threesomes is a great conversation starter. As are films that perhaps feature bisexual or same-sex scenes. If you haven’t watched porn together, or don’t want to dive into the question straight away (while the movie is on) then waiting until the day after might be a smart move. Too much too soon will probably lead to your partner feeling overloaded, especially if porn is something you haven’t enjoyed together.

My top tips for talking to your partner about swinging

  • If your partner is not interested, no amount of nagging, coercing, bullying or harassing is going to change their minds. However, if it is something you feel strongly about, then neither do I suggest you simply put all your desires on hold for fear of upsetting them. This isn’t healthy for either of you. If one of you is sex-positive and the other isn’t, then it brings into question the relationship you are already having before you start thinking about swinging. From my experience, both people in a swinging relationship are open-minded and sex-positive. A relationship where only one of you is enthusiastic about discussing swinging is not a great start.
  • Having sex in front of a large mirror is a great way to get used to seeing your bodies and appreciating what you look like naked and in all manner of positions. We have no idea what our partners see so sometimes experiencing a different view is a great way to get comfortable with our bodies!
  • Never surprise or trick your partner into swinging. Springing a situation on someone is grossly unfair, and bullying behaviour should never be tolerated. Arranging to have dinner with another couple in the hope you all end up in bed together at the end of the night, is not how it’s done! I had a threesome sprung on me once. I did not appreciate the gesture!
  • Explore different terminology used by swinger couples. Soft swap, full swap, same room are all different variations of swinger situations. It doesn’t have to be clothes off, full swap, hard limits! Understandably these things take time to work up towards if this is your thing!
  • You should only ever go as far as the least comfortable person is willing to explore. Expecting too much too soon or placing unrealistic pressures on yourself is going to be detrimental to your relationship.
  • If you are concerned about other couples having different rules or expectations to your own, you may be surprised to learn that the couples I have played with have been rock solid and very accomodating. I’ve never been expected to do anything I haven’t wanted to.
  • There is no rush to discover swinging. Trust takes time to build up, and understanding and appreciating one another’s sexual desires is a lifelong process. Different emotions and feelings evolve. There is no right or wrong way to swing.



Rosie Kay aka ThisKindaGirl

💕Swinger Lifestyle Expert 💯Open Relationship Coach 🗝️Unlock The Lifestyle With Me 👇🏻Use the link to start your journey