I used to date a man who wanted his ‘money’s worth’ when swinging; yes, you read that correctly.

I used to date a man who wanted his ‘money’s worth’ when swinging; yes, you read that correctly.

How this article came about

A few weeks ago, I attended a swingers hotel takeover, where I got chatting with an array of different swingers, from the newly arrived on-the-scene lifestyle newbies to the seasoned swingers who had been part of the party for 20+ years.

Whilst speaking to one of the more seasoned guests, the conversation turned to the topic of ‘entitlement’ and why some people, namely fresh single males, sometimes make the mistake of thinking that if they have paid entry to a club, they are entitled to have sex with other guests. In essence, they want their money’s worth.

‘It’s funny you should mention that,’ I told the gentleman I was chatting to.

‘I once dated a man who wanted his money’s worth when swinging.’

He recoiled in horror. ‘He wanted what?!’

‘His money’s worth, that’s what he used to tell me when we arrived at a club.’

‘How did he deem he had gotten his money’s worth? he asked. ‘In the number of sexual acts from one person or acts from different partners? Just how did he go about making sure it was money well spent?

I shook my head.

‘Well, I said, it was a little like this…’

I knew that once I had shared the story with my fellow swinger at the party,I had to share it with you, too, and so this article was born.

What it was like hearing he wanted his moneys worth

Before I start this story, I want to introduce you to Rosie, a pre-thiskindagirl. Rosie pre-thiskindagirl was very different to the confident and self-assured woman that sits before you writing this piece of content. For years, I lived in the shadow of others; I would let them speak and make decisions for me. I believed that to be a supportive partner, I had to be a compliant, willing partner, and I struggled on many occasions to use my voice. So, although hearing that he wanted to get his ‘money’s worth’ was unsettling, I could not share my thoughts. In many ways, I was afraid to, not only because I was afraid of there being repercussions from him but also because I didn’t want to hear him describing what he believed to be his ‘money worth’ actually was.

Did he mean a set number of women per hour? Or did he mean one truly amazing fuck? Was it broken down into sex acts per thirty minutes? Three blow jobs and two different women? Is that what you meant, my darling? Inside, I was burning; did I have to assist him on his quest for value for money? What if I disagreed with what he decided?

Who was I kidding? I did what I always did; I kept my mouth shut and hoped he got his money’s worth and secretly, silently, apologised to every woman he encountered that night.

‘I’m sorry about him. He is a self-entitled narcissist who believes he is God’s gift to women’

The wrong mindset to adopt

A while ago, I wrote a piece of content titled ‘How To Act In A Swingers Club’ where I spoke about a few mindsets people adopt in a club or at a party. As well as the positive attitudes and approaches people assume, social and expressive, there are also two more that are apparent. Although I am not condoning any of the following behaviours, I want to demonstrate that having the wrong approach is significantly more common than you might believe. Sadly.

Transactional- some people view visiting swinger clubs as a transaction in that they pay the fee to get in and receive the product (whatever they are there for). In reality, this is very rarely how the swinger clubs work, as you cannot guarantee who you will meet. Some clubs cater to guests who want a more ‘transactional’ swinger experience, but there is a reason I have yet to write about them. You know what I’m saying, right?

Entitled- is a dangerous mindset to have, and ‘entitled’ behaviour is something I have witnessed from both men and women, couples and singles. Similar to the transactional perspective, ‘entitled’ people believe that whatever they possess, be it money, status, or physical appearance, entitles them to more participation in a club.

Here’s an example of how having a transactional mindset can backfire for single men:

Usually, people who want a more ‘transactional experience’ are not willing to invest any of their time and effort into learning about the lifestyle and instead want a ‘quick fix’ solution to getting involved.

In most examples in life, there is a correlation between the amount of money paid for something and what we receive in return. Be it a physical product or valuable insight.

A guy is willing to pay £90 for a ticket to a swingers club but does not wish to invest any of his time or effort into learning how to behave once inside. He doesn’t know how to build up a rapport with couples and is sidelined time and time and time again by other men. He spends the whole night getting his approach wrong and leaves feeling humiliated, frustrated and rejected. He thinks:

‘there’s no place for me in the swinger world; they only want bigger men, or more ripped men or more mature men; I paid £90 and got nothing.’

Why he didn’t have success had nothing to do with these; it comes down to his fundamental lack of understanding about the lifestyle in the first place.

Had he invested his time and effort into learning about the lifetsyle, how to overcome his fears and realise that success is not a ‘physical’ trait, he would have gotten much further; coincidently, he also would have learnt that high financial investment (£90) does not equal involvement as it takes far more than simply purchasing a ticket to be part of the lifestyle.

The only positive to be taken from this

Going back to the subject at hand, I used to date a man who wanted his ‘money’s worth’; his approach didn’t get much better, and after a few more profoundly unsetting club visits, I decided that I wanted out. We met some great people on a few occasions, but I found how he treated women like a commodity quite disturbing.

I often write how I spent a long time getting the lifestyle wrong, so you don’t have to, and although I wasn’t the ‘wrongdoer’, what I can say is that it taught me a valuable lesson in how some people view the world of swinging and if you ever hear someone say the words ‘value for money’ or ‘money worth’ avoid that person at all costs.