Is Swinging Just Sex? No! Here's Why…

Ok, let me be clear here, I’m not trying to bullshit you; sex does play an integral part of the swinger lifestyle, and it indeed does form one of the fundamental reasons why people decide to explore ethical non-monogamy in the first place, but it’s not the be all and end all of the swinger lifestyle.

Whilst it may be true that ethical non-monogamy (and swinging especially) does allow for you to ‘have your cake and eat it’ for many in lifestyle, ‘the cake’ isn’t always 100% sex.

Imagine a sponge cake with jam and buttercream filling.

Suppose we label the sweet, sticky filling bit sex and the sponge on either side of the filling as everything else. In that case, it’s easy to visualise how the sex element is important but only enjoyable when consumed with the other components.

You don’t cut off the sponge and eat the filling as this is too rich. Likewise, the cake without any filling might not be right either, but when enjoyed in the right ratio, it’s a delicious, moreish combination, but only because it’s enjoyed altogether.

Oh, and if you are inclined to leave the sponge and eat the filling, you deserve to be left feeling slightly sick afterwards.

Over the last four years, working with coaching clients here at thiskindagirl, I have discovered that the ‘sponge element’ consists of many different ingredients. Although they are all connected to the sex element, sex is a contributing factor but not always the sole reason for a couple deciding to become swingers.

It doesn’t always include sex for both parties.

When I first started swinging, I would have found it hard to understand that for some individuals, their enjoyment came not from directly participating but instead from facilitating their partner’s involvement in the lifetsyle and that for the individuals in these relationships, swinging doesn’t necessarily have to include them having sex.

And I am not necessarily talking about cuckolding, either.

Many couples have different boundaries and limits. While one partner may be happy to get ‘stuck in,’ the other finds it equally satisfying, facilitating this content in the knowledge that their other half is enjoying whatever they enjoy without them.

It’s social.

I never realised how imperative the social side of swinging was until I started venturing out into the world of swinger clubs alone. Being thrown in at the deep end, without a partner to talk to, I had to learn how to strike up conversations and be social with those around me; sitting in a corner, scrutinising the guests as they came through the door, was not the way forward.

The more people I engaged with, the more I learnt about the lifestyle, the more I began to appreciate what had brought them there and nine times out of ten, it wasn’t just the sex.

‘We love the social aspect’, Couples would tell me. ‘We love that we can have a drink and talk to non-judgmental people who get us. Yes, we can play too, but that’s not the sole reason we are here.’

The social aspect does not start and finish in clubs, either. Community members can be found worldwide via swinger dating sites, social media, Discord servers, and communities like TKG Club. Ethical non-monogamy, swinging, and sexuality can all prove challenging to navigate, and at times, we can feel isolated, especially if we can’t open up to those closest to us, such as friends and family, out of fear of judgment or ridicule. So having a community to whom you can talk, even if you have never met members in person, is hugely important.

It’s indulgent

When I work with couple clients who also have children, one aspect of the lifetsyle they often share with me is how indulgent they find it. And how being indulgent with one another adds to the whole experience. I can recall many couples saying how they enjoy making a weekend out of going to a swingers club; however, visiting the club, or the actual swinging itself, ends up contributing as opposed to dominating the weekend, and they use the opportunity of having alone, adult time to also indulge in going out for dinner, booking a hotel and getting dressed up for one another. Many couples find the whole experience enjoyable, regardless of whether they have swapped couples.

It brings you closer.

Whoever would have thought that you actually become closer by opening up your relationship?

It’s a strange concept, opening up your relationship to have a more intimate relationship with your partner.

But this is how swinging works.

However, it’s one aspect that many people (myself included when I first started) fail to recognise; after all, it sounds counterintuitive.

Swinging comes from a place of love, trust and sharing your desires and intimate fantasies with your loved one. Swinging is a journey for you both to go on, and it draws many couples closer. When you start to make these desires and fantasies a reality, you suddenly feel enlightened; you can explore Ethical non-monogamy while keeping your relationship intact!

Having conversations about your sexual desires becomes easier.

You won’t feel judged or ashamed to admit what you would like to experience as your partner is also able to open up and share their ideas with you. You only have to look at strong-swinger couples to see how in love they are! The connection and understanding you create could never be replaced by someone who isn’t in the lifestyle. It simply wouldn’t work.

It’s educational

When working with newbie clients, both couples and single people, I always tell them how important it is to engage in conversation with others and also to listen to what they have to share.

Members of the lifestyle visit clubs for different reasons and play in a variety of ways.

Sometimes, D/S dynamic couples only want to play with other D/S couples, and by chatting with people, you learn more about what or who they want to meet. Engaging in conversation broadens your opinions and understanding about why people are in the lifestyle. Sometimes, learning about why a person chooses to be involved in something when you yourself cannot comprehend it is an enlightening experience. The more we know about how others view the world, the more we can use that to shape our own experience.

It means something different to different people.

People choose to be involved in the swinger lifestyle for many different reasons, and there is no ‘set way’ to practice it. What feels right for one couple can be the opposite of what another couple wants to experience. As long as the fundamentals are in place and you are getting into it for the right reasons, you can practice it however you choose.

There is no right or wrong way to swing. Over the years, I have met so many different couples who are all on their own paths, all harbouring individual desires and fantasies.

Essentially, I believe that we all have a slice of cake in front of us, and for some of us, the ratio is 40% sponge, 20% jam filling followed by 40% sponge; for others, there’s less filling and more sponge, and there’s some who’s cake is positively oozing with jam.

Whatever your cake looks like, one thing is for certain: it isn’t a cake without all the components, as eating jam alone is, in my opinion, something that sounds like it could be enjoyable but, in reality, leaves one feeling sick.