Is There Such Thing As A Perfect Foursome? Or Is It A Swinger Lifestyle Myth?

Rosie Kay aka ThisKindaGirl
8 min readSep 8, 2023

Is There Such Thing As A Perfect Foursome? One problem many couples have shared with me, written to me about at thiskindagirl and also wanted to hear my thoughts on when I’ve met them in clubs is ‘Is there such thing as a perfect foursome?’ or are they simply asking too much?

Couples, I hear you, and in this article, I will be very blunt about the realities of meeting other couples and why it is hard to get everyone’s boxes ticked.

Meeting other couples, my experience

‘She’s nice, but I don’t fancy him

‘Shhh, you can’t say that!’

‘Well, I just did.’

‘But it’s rude!’

‘No, it’s the truth, I don’t find him attractive.’

How many of us have ever had a conversation like that?

Or how many of us have unwittingly been the subject of the conversation? Ouch. I can confidently say ‘that’s been me’ in both cases, and if you have ever attempted to arrange a couple swap, either in a club or in private, you will know how hard it is to get everyone’s boxes ticked.

Speaking from experience, having been in the lifestyle for well over ten years, I know how hard it is, and I’ve lost count of the number of times I have said, ‘But I’m just not feeling it with him/ her’ when scouring swinger dating sites or after vanilla dates.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that the swinger lifestyle is full of horrendously ugly people or that we, as swingers, only want models to swing with; we don’t.

Instead, it is that finding another couple who are compatible with you, who are into the same things sexually and intimately, who are both physically appealing and interested in the both of you, well, it’s hard.

I remember a few years ago, I was in a relationship, and we met a couple with a similar dynamic, and we both found them attractive (he was also bisexual). On paper, they talked the talk; it appeared that all our boxes would be ticked. So we met them for a date; maybe we would strike gold this time! Only to walk away from the date agreeing that he was great, but her, there was something not quite right, and we decided not to see the couple again. Were we being too picky? Were we looking for flaws? Should we have taken one for the team?

Why it isn’t easy

As I have already said, finding another couple who are compatible with is hard. Because here’s the thing: there are four people, with four boxes to be ticked, and because we are all individuals within our relationships, we all have different ideas on who and what we find attractive.

I’m not going to tell you to cast aside your tick box, or lower your standards because, after all, there are some things you can’t budge on

Not everyone is looking for the same things or is interested in someone for the same reasons as their wife might be. For example, a straight male doesn’t have to find another straight male attractive in a sexual way, but there still has to be an element of ‘likeability’; essentially, he still has to ‘gell’ with that other male partner. And even if the wife is giving the guy a big thumbs up, he’s unlikely to say yeah, sure, if he’s not feeling it, and it would be the same if it was the wife and a straight woman.

We all have different ideas about who we find attractive and what we consider sexy or alluring, and I’m not going to apologise for my next sentence.

In many swinger couples, it’s the wife who is the attractive one. From experience and what many couples have shared with me, it isn’t easy to find a couple who are both equally attractive. So many times I have heard, ‘We liked them, but he wasn’t attractive’ or ‘she struggled to fancy him.’

But why is this? I can only speculate, but I believe that women are perceived to be the more attractive partners in many relationships as, essentially, more people are attracted to women in the lifestyle. I don’t need to tell you that the swinger lifestyle is a playground for bisexual women.

Take a typical Saturday night in a swingers club; there will be more people out there eyeing up women than men, so it could appear that a couple both fancy the woman in another couple more than her male partner so much so that they may let their interest in her male partner fall by the wayside. I know that I have been guilty of this over the years. It wasn’t the case of the guy not being attractive, but more, I wasn’t overly interested in him.

Men and women determine who they want to be intimate with based on totally different criteria.

Another reason men may not get a vote is that sometimes, not every time, the female half of a couple may have put in a lot more effort than the guy; this is why I always say that the most successful swinger couples are a team that works together. They both dress well, are engaging, are both flirtatious and have both spent time on their appearance. Ask yourselves, are you both working together or could one of you do a bit more?

Are swingers too choosy?

No. Here is the reality: Nine times out of ten, the women have the last say when a couple is considering playing with another couple or a single person. Although it’s great that women, who are generally the ‘less on board’ partners, have the final say, it’s not great as it transpires that what women and men are looking for are very different things. A woman will draw her conclusions on a different set of criteria to her man. This is one reason why men are known for being ‘less choosy’. So women get the last say, but they are basing that last say on something very different to what men are.

Men and women determine who they want to be intimate with based on totally different criteria.

And when we are talking about a couple in the swinger lifestyle, chances are they already have all the emotional attachment they need, so this becomes an obsolete set of criteria, or at least this is how many men see it.

Essentially, men are attracted to the physical aspects of a woman, and when looking for a potential couple to swap with, he doesn’t necessarily care if another woman is caring, loving or a good listener; he already has all that in his partner, so it becomes more about what she brings physically to the table. Yes, I’m talking about body, looks, confidence, and charm. What does she enjoy sexually? Is he going to enjoy being intimate with her?

Yes, there are men out there who will argue with me that they look for more than just physical attraction and want to get to know someone for who they are, too, but for most men, if the physical attraction box is ticked, then it’s a yes all round.

If you end up ‘taking one for the team’, you will resent the lifestyle, and I don’t need to tell you that you will likely find little pleasure in whatever you are participating in.

Whereas for women, what we look for is a bit more complex. Although we are attracted to the physical, we often want to know a little bit about someone before deciding whether to be intimate with them.

Do they make us laugh? Are they charming? Are they interested in who we are as people? The reason behind this is rooted in how we evolved to procreate as humans and is a topic that I will explore deeper another time; but essentially, women want to know more about a man before she has sex with him. And sometimes, if he doesn’t understand this, fails to recognise this or doesn’t want to chat with her and build up a rapport, it can lead to him not ticking her boxes.

But of course, the ironic thing is that most couples don’t realise this, and she’s accused of being too picky, and he is accused of wanting ‘anything with a pulse.’

Why you shouldn’t take one for the team

Swinging is about mutual enjoyment, and although you may have to compromise occasionally, ‘taking one for the team’ is not swinging! Being coerced or pressured into doing something your are not entirely on board with, or simply going along with proceedings to keep your partner or other swingers happy, is not what being in the lifestyle is all about either. If you end up ‘taking one for the team’, you will resent the lifestyle, and I don’t need to tell you that you will likely find little pleasure in whatever you are participating in. As I have already said, we are all individuals, and we all have individual limits and boundaries that we don’t cross. Your partner and prospective play partners should respect this and you, theirs.

What we can do

It may sound like the perfect foursome is unachievable and will forever remain a fantasy for most couples; after all, finding the perfect couple, who think you are the ideal couple, whose schedules all align, who all want the same things…wow, even I admit that that pretty hard to find. But finding people who do tick most of your boxes, working with them, being honest with each other and compromising where necessary is far more realistic.

I’m not going to tell you to cast aside your tick box, or lower your standards because, after all, there are some things you can’t budge on. For example, I only like playing with Bisexual women, and usually dominant women. I can’t turn off being bisexual and suddenly become attracted to submissive women. But we can look at our lists and see where we can be a little more flexible. Do you only want to play with swingers aged 25–40? Okay, but don’t discredit someone because they are 45. Do you only want to meet couples where the man is over 6 feet? I don’t think you will notice much when playing with them. Want a woman with long legs who’s a size pert size 10 with DDs? Don’t we all! Get real! And so what if a woman is size 12 or 14? We have to embrace our differences! Does it really matter?

Another thing that many swingers either overthink or fail to recognise is the reality of what it is you are doing. If you are a swinger couple, as opposed to polyamorous, you are probably only looking for a physical connection. In other words, these are not people you want to date long-term or have a deep connection with because you have all the emotional attachment you require with your long-term partner. Sometimes, when we meet another couple in a club, the interaction between us may only be fleeting, for a couple of hours if that, so again, does it matter if the guy is rocking more of a dad bod? Or that his wife is 35 instead of 30? Does it matter if people have kids? (I’ve heard this one before) they aren’t there in the damn club with you! So, stop overthinking it and look at the reality; in this situation, are these people offering us the sort of connection seeking?

Long-term swinger friends

Sometimes, you will find couples who say they are looking for long-term swinger friends or have already got them. What they mean by this is that they have already found a couple who tick their boxes and play with them long-term. Essentially, they know they have struck swinger gold and work to keep that friendship going. If you find a couple who tick your boxes, this could be an avenue to explore.

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Rosie Kay aka ThisKindaGirl

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