No Strings Attached Sex Is Rarely Anything But! Here’s Why!
As you all know, as well as creating ENM lifestyle content here at Thiskindagirl, I also love busting sex and relationship myths. And today, I wanted to explore the myth of NSA sex and why, in reality, it very rarely is anything but no strings.
There are two reasons for wanting to explore it; first, I received this question recently: Hi Rosie, how do you ask someone out for a no-strings-attached fling? And second, I owe it to both men and women who are either considering entering an NSA relationship or find themselves caught up in one, the truth about what they are really getting themselves involved in.
Hi Rosie, how do you ask someone out for a no-strings-attached fling?
Understanding the differences
NSA means something very different to men than it does to women.
I think it’s really important to recognise that when we talk about NSA sex the differences between men and women and how they view it are massive. One of the first mistakes that we humans make is not to appreciate the differences and presume that the opposite sex sees the world as we do. Lesson one is to understand that men and women have very different biological responses to NSA sex, which is why very rarely does it play out as the man imagines it will.
Men, being sperm givers, have the drive to pass on their genes as frequently as possible. Men evolved to be able to pass on their genes quickly and effectively to many different partners over a reasonably short space of time, and after that, their work was done. It was left for the female to rise that young, maybe with other females, whilst the males were busy passing on their genes. We have been doing this for 100s of 1000s of years, and the society thing for only a few 100 years. Which do you think is more deeply rooted in our DNA?
The role women play in procreation and pregnancy
Women only have one egg to release at one time and, unlike men who can impregnate ten different women over a week without any implications on their life, once that lady has conceived, she going to be in a highly precarious state within a few months and towards the end of her pregnancy, be pretty much incapacitated. So she has to be choosy about WHICH sperm giver she chooses. I understand that we have progressed a little since this, but our biology is essentially the same.
I hope this highlights the differences in the roles humans play in procreation. A woman’s role is hugely different from a man’s. However, we as women are still very cautious about who we procreate with, as we know (even subconsciously) that ultimately, we could end up in a very vulnerable position.
So what does this have to do with how men and women view NSA?
When women are sexually active with men, they put themselves at risk of getting pregnant. Even if both parties are using a form of contraception, our bodies are hard-wired to say, ‘Wait, who is this dude, and is he going to stick around if you get pregnant to help you raise that young? Is he going to be able to support you in the last few months of pregnancy and protect you when you are your most vulnerable?’
Our brains, unknown to us, are carrying out his risk assessment, and we find ourselves asking, ‘Where is this going?’ and ‘What is he really like?’.
As women, we want to know what will happen, what type of man he is, and what he is into. We want to know how invested that man is in us and any potential offspring he could create. But we are not always aware that all this is happening, so we simply find ourselves thinking,
‘We had sex, so does that mean we are an item, and where is it going?’
Women’s emotional response to sex
For many women, sex is as much an emotional act as it is a physical one. We become emotionally involved when we have sex, and we want to know how a person feels about us and what their thoughts are surrounding the relationship itself.
Many women, myself included (until I did some research) are under the assumption that sex=love. After all, if you have sex with someone, that means they like you and like leads to love, and love leads to lasting bonds.
So love, right?
Wrong! Sex can lead to love, and when we are talking about creating lasting bonds within a relationship, it certainly does. However, it doesn’t mean that all sex leads to love.
Sadly for women, men find it much easier to separate sex from love, which is why men can have sex with a woman with little to no emotional investment in her and do not see the point in getting emotionally involved, as, for him, it’s just sex.
Why do women want to know more about a man before they have sex with them?
Well, remember when I said that women can only get pregnant at one time? This insecurity still exists in a woman’s mind, and regardless of whether she can or wants to get pregnant, a woman will still have the heightened sense of ‘if I put myself in a position where I am vulnerable with a man, what will he offer if I get pregnant?’
By ‘offer,’ she is referring to what traits he carries that will ensure the genes he passes on will be healthy.
This is why women need a little more ‘investment’, than many men do. She needs to know what his intentions are.
How to approach it with someone
Hold up your hand if someone has ever asked you for an NSA relationship.
Yep, that most of us, then.
Now, think back to how that conversation played out. Was the asker upfront and honest? Or did they sound vague or sketchy?
‘Uh, I’m not sure what I’m looking for; let’s just have a good time and see what happens? I’m not really looking for a relationship; I like you, but I’m not sure. Can we just hook up?
It’s okay to not want a relationship.
It’s also okay be unsure about a person initially. What’s not okay is to allow someone to believe they are in a relationship with you when you have no intention of ever forming a relationship with them.
Honesty is always the best policy if you want to approach someone about forming an NSA arrangement.
Be upfront about your intentions and be prepared to be truthful about how you see the nature of this potential relationship.
I believe that, ultimately, most men know women do not subscribe to the idea of having NSA sex. Still, instead of getting straight to the point, they circle around and suggest what this situation could be or could lead to and see which ‘situationship’ appears to pacify her.
Once pacified, he can continue with his plan of having sex with her without any real intentions of, well, anything more.
She said yes, right? So, where’s the problem?
The problem, fellas, is that this approach will only ever result in the No Strings Attached, Drama-Free Sex you were hoping to have, to bring you all of the drama you didn’t want. Why? Because she thought she was getting something she wasn’t and is now emotionally involved with you, and cannot understand why you would have sex with her if you didn’t see a future thing with her. Because to a woman, it makes no sense.
If I’m honest, will I get rejected?
But what if they reject me when they hear my intentions? I hear you ask.
One thing that really frustrates me about people and dating is when one person wastes another’s time. As living, breathing beings, we do not have time to waste on people or situations that are not beneficial to our journeys. I’m not saying that I’m against one-night stands or NSA arrangements, just so long as everyone involved is aware of the dynamics.
If they see it as a useful way to spend their time; as I have done on many an occasion, then go forth and enjoy!
If you want to venture into anything that is NSA, then you have to be prepared to face rejection.
I want you to think about your statement when you propose an NSA arrangement. You are essentially saying:
‘I want you to have sex or be intimate with me, but I am not looking to get involved with you on an emotional level and do not wish to ‘invest’ my time into you other than for physical intimacy.’
That is a bold statement to make, so be a big boy and be honest.
Ultimately, if you are not willing to do this, then you shouldn’t be looking to have an NSA relationship as you will only come out as the bad guy when the person realises you have lied to them.
Why you shouldn’t just say yes.
Sadly, many women, and I do include my former self here, say yes to NSA sex simply because you either:
1.Want to be close to that person.
2.Hope it turns into something real.
3.Because you thought they were way out of your league so, you settle for whatever they are willing to give you.
I hold my hands up here and admit that I have been guilty of doing all of these, all in the name of wanting to be loved.
If a person has real intentions toward you and wants to spend time getting to know you emotionally and physically and doesn’t just want to fast-forward to the sticky bits, they will let you mow. Saying yes and hoping he will change or see your worth isn’t going to happen.
The irony of NSA sex.
An irony of NSA sex is that many men believe this arrangement will bring them drama-free intimacy without emotional attachment, only to later realise that NSA sex brings them drama and unwanted emotional attachment. They end up getting the one thing they didn’t want due to their lack of understanding of what they have entered into.
