Should All Dominants Be Subs First?

Should All Dominants Be Submissives First? Let’s Talk About It!

Recently, someone said to me, ‘No dominant should ever take on that role unless they’ve experienced it as a sub.’ It got me thinking… and talking. This simple statement opened up a fascinating conversation with strong opinions on both sides.

Some felt it was an absolute must, while others believed it wasn’t necessary. I’ve been in both positions myself, and I know how complex this issue can be. So, in this piece, I’m going to share my own journey, explore the different viewpoints, and offer my perspective on whether all dominants should truly be subs first.

The viewpoint that dominants shouldn’t have to experience a submissive role is one that was shared with me recently, courtesy of the wife of a dominant man. This lady revealed that she would not find it acceptable for her husband to be submissive to her or anyone else and that she strongly disagreed with a statement she and her husband had been privy to via conversation with a lady in a bar who believed that ‘All men like to be dominated’.

The Case for Subbing First:

There’s a strong argument for dominants having submissive experience. Imagine trying to lead a dance without ever having followed. You might know the steps, but you wouldn’t understand the nuances of being led, the feeling of trusting your partner, or the communication required for a smooth performance. It’s the same with D/s (Dominance/submission).

• Empathy and Understanding: Experiencing submission firsthand allows a dominant to truly understand the vulnerabilities, needs, and desires of a submissive partner. This fosters empathy, which is crucial for building trust and creating a safe and fulfilling dynamic. You understand what it feels like to relinquish control, to be vulnerable, to trust another person with your well-being.
• Communication Skills: Subbing teaches you how to clearly communicate your limits, needs, and desires. This is a vital skill that translates directly to dominance. A good dominant is an excellent listener and communicator, able to anticipate their sub’s needs and ensure their safety and comfort.
• Understanding Limits and Boundaries: When you’re in a submissive role, you learn the importance of clear boundaries and how to negotiate them. 1 This experience makes you much more attuned to your partner’s limits when you’re in a dominant role. You understand that “no” means “no,” and you’re better equipped to create a safe and consensual environment.
• Appreciating the Dynamic: Subbing can give you a deeper appreciation for the dynamic as a whole. You understand the vulnerability and trust involved in submission, which can make you a more responsible and caring dominant.

The Case Against Mandatory Subbing:

While the submissive experience can be incredibly valuable, it’s not a strict requirement for everyone. Some people have a natural inclination towards dominance and possess the necessary qualities — like empathy, strong communication skills, and a deep respect for consent — without ever having subbed.

• Natural Inclination: Some people simply feel more comfortable and fulfilled in a dominant role. Forcing them to sub might not be a positive experience and could even be counterproductive.
• Different Learning Styles: People learn in different ways. Some learn best through direct experience, while others can learn through observation, research, and mentorship. A dominant who hasn’t subbed might have gained a deep understanding of submissive needs through other means.
• Focus on the Qualities, Not the Experience: Instead of focusing solely on whether someone has subbed, it’s more important to look at their qualities as a potential dominant: Do they prioritise consent? Are they good communicators? Are they empathetic and respectful? These qualities are far more important than a specific type of experience.

My experience of playing both roles and what it taught me.

I keep it no secret that I have enjoyed playing both roles within relationships, and I speak candidly about my introduction to BDSM and the submissive role I primarily enjoyed in a piece of content here in the TKG club. Since my initial exploration and introduction, I have flourished in the world of BDSM, and as a piece of counter content, you may also enjoy reading the piece of content I wrote on the time I left a man tied up and went to a swingers club.

But enough about that, today, I want to talk about including a metal speculum and what it taught me.

I’m confident that you know what I mean when I say speculum. This particular one was the anal variety and was bought, in eager anticipation, by a loyal sub a few years ago. Understandably, he was desperate to try it out, but before I opened him up like a terry chocolate orange, I decided that it was only fair if I, too, experienced the cold metal instrument for myself. He pouted but knew my decision was final.

Have you ever had cold metal in your anus? Some of you may be sitting there in complete eye-watering agreement with me, and some of you may be horrified at the thought. It’s an activity that is not for the faint of heart. After a few minutes of slow insertion (and I mean really slow; the thing felt surprisingly sharp) and a few more minutes of adjusting the ‘beak’ (It could go surprisingly wide), I called out to him that enough was enough, but DO NOT remove it too quickly!

Here are three things I learnt from that experience:

1) that in order for me to play safely with my sub, I had to use the speculum gently and probably with more lube than I had first realised.

2) I suddenly quite liked the idea of medical play and was thinking about how I could make it more degrading for him.

3) That I was pleased I had experienced the speculum for myself, but now had a greater respect for it and other types of more extreme intimate/ medical play. This realisation opened up a dialogue for us about whether I would experiment with new toys first, as per my role of responsible dominant.

Do I believe it is mandatory?

Whilst I technically played the role of ‘submissive’ in my speculum experiment, I didn’t get ‘into’ the role as he did, and I think this is where I stand on the debate. I realised that I didn’t have to go to the extremes that he did in order to experience what it was like, and maybe there is something to be learned here.

Dominants, I urge you to try the flogger, feel how that rope binds your skin and then talk about it with your submissive. No one is asking you to get on all fours and bark like a dog with a collar on, and indeed, it pays to know how that collar feels against the soft skin on the neck, no? I think we can all learn from a little experimentation. Will it detract from who we are? No, not in the slightest; instead, it might just make us more intuitive lovers and better Doms!

My Take and Conclusion:

Personally, I believe that having a submissive experience can be incredibly beneficial for a dominant. It provides invaluable insights and fosters empathy. However, I don’t believe it should be a mandatory requirement for everyone.

The most important thing is that a dominant possesses the qualities necessary for responsible and ethical play:

• Consent: This is non-negotiable. Every action must be consensual.
• Communication: Open and honest communication is essential.
• Respect: Respecting boundaries and limits is paramount.
• Empathy: Understanding and acknowledging your partner’s feelings and needs.
• Responsibility: Taking responsibility for your partner’s safety and well-being.

Whether you’ve subbed or not, focusing on these qualities will make you a better partner in any D/s dynamic. It’s about continuous learning, open communication, and a deep respect for the people you choose to share these experiences with.

So, while subbing first can be a powerful learning experience, it’s not the only path to becoming a great dominant. Focus on being a good human, a good communicator, and a respectful partner, and you’ll be well on your way.