Single Female Swingers- how to deal with being lifestyle ‘hot property’
‘Hi Rosie, I’m a single female swinger; how do I deal with the influx of messages and attention I am receiving online on swinger dating sites; it's quite overwhelming at times.’
The Influx Of Messages and Attention
One thing that many women (both single and in relationships) in the lifestyle experience is the sudden influx of attention and messages from male swingers. Although this can be a huge esteem boost, and it certainly is when you have all eyes on you as you walk into a club, the realities of this attention can be overwhelming. For me to explain this fully, I will break it down into two areas: online and in person.
Online: For most women, online attention is one reason they don’t actually engage in much ‘online swinger dating’. As an experiment, a few years ago, I made a generic profile with very little information about myself. I used a pretty low-key picture just to see what response I got from other members of the online swinger community.
The response from other users was pretty overwhelming. I was inundated with dick pictures, one-line messages, and sexually explicit content, and I had so many requests from men asking me to ‘hook up’ with them and the rest; no, I do not want to watch as you masturbate.
I suddenly felt quite exposed without anyone to lean on for support.
It made me feel under threat and vulnerable, and if that were my first time looking online, I definitely would not re-enter that world, and I would be highly cautious about visiting a club. Thankfully, not all websites are like this, and not all users are like this; it’s all about picking the right ones.
In Person: The first time I visited a swingers club as a single woman, I was terrified, even though I had visited them months previous as a couple. I knew what to expect from the clubs, what to wear and what rules to follow, but I wasn’t sure how to deal with being ‘hot property’. I had been to clubs; I had seen how single women were often snatched up by couples or were approached time and time again by single men.
What if I didn’t want to play with anyone then? I suddenly felt quite exposed without anyone to lean on for support. If I had no one to talk to, other people might come and talk to me; what if they bought me a drink and, because of this, were presuming I was agreeing to play with them? As a woman, I couldn’t ignore that feeling of being expected to play or ‘do something’ in return for a drink. I’m sure you will know exactly what I am talking about. So what did I do?
Confidence-I faked it until I made it! I entered the club, walked over to the bar, ordered myself a G&T and made my way to the plush sofas. Instead of sitting at one end with my legs and arms crossed over my body (what I wanted to do), I sat in the middle, with my arms resting on either side of the top of the sofa, my drink in my hand. Even though I was secretly terrified, my body language was saying otherwise. Yes, a few people came over to talk to me, but I was quite happy viewing from a distance. A while into the evening, a couple caught my eye, and I decided to talk with them.
I didn’t say, ‘Hi, I’m all alone. Can I talk to you?’ (how I felt)
Instead, I said, ‘Hi, I’m Rosie, it’s lovely to meet you’ (the confident woman I was pretending to be)
‘I can’t believe you are on your own; I’d never have the confidence to do that!’ The woman gasped.
I smiled back at her and thought She thinks I’m confident! I’m not, but I’ll go with it!
When I started TKG, and reviewing clubs became part of my process, I had to change my approach. I could no longer be the sexy ice queen who chose couples for her own benefit.
I couldn’t ignore that feeling of being expected to play or ‘do something’ in return for a drink
I was now representing my brand and business, and I had an image to uphold. I had to get comfortable talking to everyone in a swinger environment. I had to be engaging, warm and professional, and I had to learn to drop my guard and become a ‘normal’ person. Gone were the thigh-high boots and buckle-up corsets, hello little black dresses and open-toe stilettoes. I had to learn how to talk to people regardless of whether I fancied them or not, regardless of their age, gender or sexuality. I had to learn to listen and engage with people, person to person, so I decided to ask people a series of questions.
I did this one because it would help me with my reviews
‘…the club was popular with long-term married couples, most of whom lived in central London and were looking for other bisexual couples…’
and two, because by engaging with people and asking them questions, I could go out of my comfort zone, and that is the only way that I could grow as a professional.
I couldn’t stay aloof and unapproachable forever. Who would work with me if they felt I was judging them? Or was not in the ‘real world’.
And this is why I urge you to do the same if you are feeling terrified. Once you feel comfortable in a swingers club, approach people, regardless of whether you find them attractive or not, and engage in conversation with them. Yes, you might feel uncomfortable making small talk with strangers; it might be alien to you, but it’s a great way to build real confidence, not just the sort that comes from putting on plenty of lipstick and the right shoes. But Rosie, what if they ask if I want to play? How do I say no without hurting their feelings?
Simply saying, ‘Thanks, but I’m not looking to play right now.’
If you demonstrate to those around you that you are charming, polite and engaging, then when you see someone who you do find attractive cross your path, it won’t be so daunting as you will already be used to engaging with people. Don’t sit on your own waiting for the perfect person or people to enter the club, to pounce on like pray, you are not a spider.
