Three common concerns women have when starting swinging.

Before I get into this article, I want you to hear me out. I’m not here to try to persuade you to be a swinger, coerce you into doing something you don’t want to do, or devalue your concerns.

Your concerns are real, your opinions are valid, and I know exactly how you feel as I have been you too.

Over the last two years, I have noticed similarities in how many women who are in relationships, especially initially, view the world of swinging. Many women share the same concerns and worries. Could a larger audience relate to this, too?

In this article, I want to share what they are, explore why you might be experiencing them, and offer insight into the realities. But I will not discredit you or tell you that ‘it’s just how the lifetsyle works, I’m afraid’ because I have been in your position and know how you are feeling.

Now, it could be that after reading my article, you decide that the swinger lifestyle isn’t for you and that you don’t wish to explore it; if so, then I thank you for reading my article anyway. But if you can relate to any of what I am about to share, then please know that I am sharing this so you know you are not alone, and I can almost guarantee that there is no woman in the lifestyle who has had one if not of these thoughts at some point on her journey.

1. That they have to compete with other women.

When I first started swinging, I was convinced that all other women were a threat to my relationship and I would have to fight off any potential advances they made toward my partner. Although I did want to explore the lifestyle and identify as bisexual, the reality of another woman getting involved, even though it was also for my pleasure and benefit, was too much for me, and I found myself feeling increasingly more hostile each time a woman approached my partner.

I was sure that single women, in particular, were a threat to my relationship, and the minute I allowed one to approach us, I would be left manless, having let my guard down, so the only way to combat this was to try and fight off any female attention he received.

This was exhausting. Not to mention ultimately futile. How would I ever have the experiences I wanted if I felt threatened by the very people I was looking to connect with?

I was hugely insecure about my body and looks, and I believed that different meant better.

It made no sense, but it made perfect sense, too. I was so insecure and valued myself so little that I believed I was instantly replaceable. I was jealous of those confident, self-assured women I saw in clubs, and I felt they were my competition to be fought off.

But this couldn’t continue; I had to get a handle on how I was feeling. Trying to ward off all the women was causing me a lot of worries, and it was a waste of energy. So here is what I did:

The first thing I did was communicate with my partner, and we had a very honest discussion about our intentions when swinging. From here, we began to establish our rules and boundaries. Amongst other things, we agreed that:

• We would only meet women together in swing clubs, and any interaction would be had there and then within the confines of the club.
• We were not looking for replacements, and anyone we met would comply with our existing relationship for a limited time only.
• Whoever we met had to share our interests, spend time talking to us, and build up a good connection with us.

After we had established these rules, we began to put them into practice, and I found that once we started following these rules, I began to relax, and my partner didn’t feel as though he was constantly under fire from me. We began to play with more single women, and I realised that they were not a threat to me.

The more women I spoke to, the more I found that they were actually as scared of me as I was of them. Yes, they looked confident, but the reality was that they were scared of rejection, and they, too, were not feeling as confident as they first appeared. Many times, they just wanted to talk to other swinger women about their experiences of being female in the lifestyle.

Another reason I felt I had to compete with other women was that I was hugely insecure about my body and looks, and I believed that different meant better. I could not accept that women who were different to me, both physically and in character, were not better than me. I would often find something they had that I did not have or believe I did not have and use this to sabotage my own experience. I couldn’t allow myself to be comfortable around other women and not feel threatened by them.

‘I give him everything I have, and still, I am not enough for him; what more can I do?’

Once again, I found this exhausting and ultimately a waste of my time. To overcome it, I began to learn how to value my own existence within my relationship and listen to my partner when he told me about all of the positive traits I brought to our relationship and that lay within me as a person. I began approaching women myself, and instead of being hostile, I would generate a conversation based on what I thought was threatening about her.

‘Your hair looks great. How long did it take you to do it?’ or, ‘That dress looks amazing on you; you are so well dressed!’

2. They are not enough for their partners.

Very rarely do couples enter the swinger lifestyle because they feel their partners or existing relationships are shortchanging them. But sadly, one conclusion many women draw up when they hear the word swinger is that their partners want to enter the lifestyle because they are not enough for their partners.

‘If he wants sex with more than one woman, that must mean I don’t satisfy him, and if I don’t satisfy him, I am not enough for him’

This is usually accompanied by

‘I give him everything I have, and still, I am not enough for him; what more can I do?’

How do I know this? Well, not only have I had the same thought process myself, but I have also spoken to so many couples over the years where, initially, the lady has shared these beliefs with me, and I get where she is coming from. Essentially, it is all to do with how women view sex and relationships and why Ethical Non-monogamy looks very different for men and women.

Being Ethically non-monogamous is a different experience for women than for men. I believe it is much more a physical, carnal desire for men than for women. Men don’t always understand why they want sex with other women; they just know that they do, and if they can do it whilst keeping their existing relationship intact, then even better! They are responding to that desire to pass on their genes and procreate (regardless of whether they are in a position to do so or not). It’s not that their wives don’t satisfy them; in most cases, they are not programmed to live monogamously.

I already have a man; I’m set for penis, thanks.

Women, in my experience, view their involvement in ethical non-monogamy as a journey of sexual exploration, the enjoyment of sharing desires with their partner, and many find themselves attracted to the fact that others desire them. Yes, they still may want to have sex with other people, but for many women, it’s less about the physical and more about the emotional enhancement they feel within their own relationship.

Strange huh?

Although women will still get the niggling feeling to act upon their impulses, it is far less frequent than men. So, for men, the desire to procreate more often and with different individuals is more potent, whereas, for women, it still exists but not as strongly. This is why many women dont get the desire to be with other men and can struggle to understand why their men want to get involved in the first place.

3. That they do not want to be intimate with other men- or do not see the point.

I myself identify as both of the above (sorry to break it to you, fellas). When I swing, I have little to no desire to be intimate with other men, and for the most part, I do not see the point. Now, part of this is personal preference; I am a bisexual woman, and when swinging, I prefer sex with women. But it also comes down to my personal rules and boundaries; I do not feel comfortable being with other men, and also, and I know I might face criticism for saying this, but I already have a man; I’m set for penis, thanks.

Am I in danger of reducing a man to nothing more than his physical attributes? Yes, maybe, but again, because I have all of the emotional connection and emotional intimacy I desire in my chosen partner, I don’t see what another man could offer me. I know this sounds harsh, but remember that it is subjective to the individual, and not all women view swinging with men this way.

Many women view sexual intimacy, such as penetrative sex, as the most intimate act and decide to reserve that for their partner and do not wish to engage sexually with other men in this way. Subsequently, when their men do suggest swinging, they find themselves, as a former client did, asking:

‘I don’t want full-on sex with other men, so what role do I play? Am I able to enjoy a diled-down version? Or have I got to go the whole hog? I don’t feel I can be intimate with men other than my husband?’

It’s okay. I hear you, and I want to reassure you that you do not have to ‘do’ anything you do not want to do, and part of the reason you feel this way in the first place is that men and women view swinging ethical non-Mongamy as a whole very differently. It may well be that you are happy to support your husband or partner and explore the lifestyle together but reserve certain intimacies within your relationship or that you choose to explore bisexuality and bring this dynamic to your relationship.

It’s so easy to see why many women fear they have to be intimate with other men or feel pressured to ‘couple swap’, but if this doesn’t feel right for you, then that’s perfectly fine too; just be sure to establish your limits and boundaries and verbalise them to potential play partners before you start playing. If you need help doing this, I have the answers in my How to Establish Rules and Boundaries article.