What Does It Take To Be A Successful Swinger Couple?

I often write that swinging should come from a place of love, understanding and mutual respect. And while this is true, it got me thinking. What Does It Take To Be A Successful Swinger Couple? What are the core ingredients or the fundamentals that all successful ethically non-monogamous relationships possess? Are these ingredients all the same for all couples? Or do they differ?

Is there a formula that successful swingers use?

Or perhaps, what if there aren’t any ingredients at all? What if it’s the luck of the draw that landed you with a partner who already understands what it takes to be a swinger? And in turn, brings all those attributes to your relationship already?

Ok, I’m clutching at straws. But what I’m asking is this; is there a formula that successful swingers use?

Does ENM= (M+F) + (L) + (H) + © = (ENM)

Is there a secret code that couples live by? Or magic ingredient? Well, to be honest, yes, there is, in a way. So, what does it take to be a swinger couple?

What Are The Key Ingredients Of A Swinger Relationship?

I, Rosie Kay, Open Relationship Expert, have my own ideas about the key components, but I think it’s important that we recognise what type of ingredients we are talking about and what I have discovered over the last ten years that I have been involved in the lifestyle.

As I’m sure you have guessed, I have met many couples over the years, all of whom have had different relationship dynamics and various ways of being involved in the lifestyle. I know a couple where the female part of the relationship is also on only fans, and due to the number of fans and followers she has, her husband is the admin for her. He responds to her DM’s, contacts fans and arranges the photoshoots. He supports her every step of the way. They have complete transparency in all areas of their life. And this honesty and support is something they have when they swing, and when they do play, they play together or not at all.

I also know couples where both parties are happy to play separately and have no desire to be involved in the other person’s swinger activities. Each person gives their consent, and there is clear understanding and respect.

You don’t have to be directly involved or be an active participant to give your consent.

I have also met couples where only one person has been actively involved in the lifestyle, and the other has been happy not to have any direct involvement.

So, as you can see, each couple demonstrates different levels of involvement and participation in the lifestyle. There is no hard and fast rule.

What Makes A Good Swinger Couple?

But what makes a good swinger couple? Out of these three relationship examples, all unique and individual as the people within them, did I notice any common undercurrent? Or reassuring theme? Yes. In fact, I noticed three.

Consent

Pemissission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

As you will have probably realised at this point, you don’t have to be directly involved or be an active participant to give your consent. We can give consent without the need for the giver to take an active role. A while ago, I was in an open relationship. My boyfriend saw other men and women outside of our relationship. I gave my consent for this to happen because I supported him in who he was. I understood that I didn’t have to be involved in all aspects of our non-monogamous relationship.

Giving consent without the need or expectation of getting directly involved was hugely liberating. You don’t have to be a direct participant within Ethical non-monogamy; if you give consent, you give your partner permission to enjoy or participate in something without seeking direct satisfaction for yourself.

For me, the satisfaction came from our relationship becoming more transparent. I saw the happiness it gave him to be intimate with other people, especially guys, and I wanted that for him. I didn’t want to be holding him back from what he wanted to experience, so I gave my consent, and he loved me even more for it-ethical non-monogamy. The clue is in the title. Ethical.

You are probably thinking, but what would have happened if I hadn’t wanted to give my consent? What if I felt that him being intimate with other people was a step too far, and actually I said, No, I’m not ok with this.

Giving consent without the need or expectation of getting directly involved was hugely liberating.

This thought did cross my mind. Was I ok with it? What was he going to get out of meeting with them that he didn’t get with me? Well, for starters, he wanted to meet with a guy, so I don’t think I need to explain that. But secondly, and more importantly, his play partners were no threat to me. I knew what I brought to our relationship, and I found comfort in that. I respected the fact that he had been so open with me and loved that he felt able to open up to me about his intimate desires. To be allowed access to this was something I valued.

Communication

The imparting or exchanging of information by speaking, or writing.

Communicating openly from a place of vulnerability is integral for a successful Ethically non-monogamous relationship. A large part of my work is helping couples to start communicating with one another before they have ventured into the swinger or non-monogamy lifestyle.

Communicating to one another sounds straightforward; talking to your husband or wife, whom you have been married to for maybe ten odd years, should be easy, right? After all, you see them every day, you know each other, understand each other and perhaps have kids together; chances are you are already on the same page?

I respected the fact that he had been so open with me and loved that he felt able to open up to me about his intimate desires

Well, I’d love for this to be the case, but sadly so many couples cannot even begin to start communicating because they cannot communicate with themselves.

What do I mean by this?

If you accept your desires and embrace who you are (again, this is easier said than done), you become aware of your internal desires. Understandably, this can be a really scary step to take.

What if you have always harboured a desire to explore bisexuality? But far from opening up to your partner about it, you are yet to accept or understand it yourself, on a personal level.

Sometimes even digesting these personal truths is hard to do, never mind talking about them. So it is easy to understand why a couple may struggle to open up.

The best form of communication is the type that stems from a place of vulnerability. What do I mean by this? When talking about vulnerability, I refer to those emotions that make us feel well, vulnerable. Fear, insecurity, wants, needs, and sexual desire all come from a place of vulnerability.

If you feel like you could be jeopardising the relationship by verbalising something, then the chances are that something leaves you feeling vulnerable. After all, once it’s been said, you can’t take it back, right?

I teach people not only how to express vulnerability to one other but also why this emotion becomes one of the strongest building blocks for a successful Ethically non-monogamous relationship.

Honesty

An example of moral character with virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness and straightforwardness. A refusal to lie or deceive in any way.

Before I start talking about the importance of honesty in your relationships, we are going to talk about being honest with yourself. What are and aren’t you ok with? What do you desire or not? What emotions are you experiencing?

It’s ok to be fearful or apprehensive, as once you verbalise it and recognise the emotion, you can move forward from a place of vulnerability.

Honesty and acceptance of your truth is essential. If you are fearful or apprehensive, then speaking up about it is imperative. It’s ok to feel this way, as once you verbalise it and recognise the emotion, you bring vulnerability to a situation, and that, as you will have learnt, is a really positive step.

Honesty when talking about your sexual desires is an important step. Even if you believe your partner isn’t going to be on board with them, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share. As you will have learnt by now, you don’t have to share the same sexual desires and interests to have a successful, ethically non-monogamous relationship. We all have individual ideas and fantasies and it is ok if your partner doesn’t feature in them directly.

Ok, let’s go back to that example I mentioned previously of the bisexual guy I dated. When he met guys, he would sometimes meet gay men, and that interaction remained between him and them. I didn’t participate in that interaction, and neither would I want to. It was his desire to fulfil, not mine. From a place of vulnerability and honesty, he came to me and said, ‘Rosie, this is what I’d like to experience.’

I didn’t feel the need to be there physically, although he said he understood if I did. It was his sexual exploration and his journey, and I wanted him to experience it on his own terms, without worrying what I thought, was I ok, or how was I going to react.

When you have honesty in a relationship, you no longer act in deceptive ways. It is extremely liberating. You don’t have to lie about who you spoke to, how you played, or what you enjoyed, as you already have a clear understanding of what your relationship entails.

When it came to him meeting women to play with, I applied the same thought processes and understanding, and we had honest conversations about what he wanted to experience. I realised that it wasn’t who he wanted to meet or why he wanted to meet them (he would also sometimes meet pro-dommes); it was the fact that he felt able to talk to me about it that gave me all the reassurance I needed.

Other Ingredients For A Successful Ethically Non-monogamous Relationship

There are, of course, a few other ingredients that, when included in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, facilitate understanding and generate deep bonds.

Compassion

Showing compassion for your partner when they display vulnerable emotions is of the best ways to respond. Sure they may not be on board fully, and you may have ideas about what you would like to explore, but showing compassion for their emotional expression is so important.

When you have honesty in a relationship, you no longer act in deceptive ways. It is extremely liberating.

Suppose your partner begins talking about the possibility of exploring the swinger lifestyle, and you can see they are nervous about telling you (in all likely hood). In that case, responding with love and compassion is the best way forward. Even if inside you

are apprehensive and extremely fearful, recognising that they have opened up to you because they feel like they can share with you should give you comfort.

In all likelihood, you probably won’t be on the same page, but when vulnerability is met with compassion and compromise, understanding and a deeper bond begins to form between you.

In my experience, they are probably telling you, not because they feel that you are inadequate in some way or because they don’t love you enough, but because they have a desire to share their intimate thoughts. And want to have a mutually supportive relationship where you can express yourself without judgement.

Compromise

We all have to compromise within our relationships, and an Ethically non-monogamous one is no different. But by clearly communicating your desires and reaching an understanding within your relationship that considers both parties rules and boundaries, you begin to move forward as a couple.

Communication, honesty and consent are fundamental to a successful ethically non-monogamous relationship

A great example of this is one of my limits:

I don’t passionately kiss other swingers when I am in a relationship. The type of kissing that is deep and intimate is reserved only for my partner. However, some men I have dated have enjoyed kissing other swingers, so how did we compromise? We agreed that we could kiss other swingers, but not as passionately or intimately as we kissed one another.

When we met other couples to swap with, we would communicate this rule to them.

In Conclusion

Communication, honesty and consent are fundamental to a successful ethically non-monogamous relationship however that looks for you. When you are first venturing on your journey to becoming ethically non-monogamous, it can feel daunting.

Fear of rejection, shame and the risk of jeopardising your relationship are natural emotions that we can all expect to experience.

I understand how it feels to be in this position, which is why I have created a 10-week couple’s course that will take you from a nervous newbie to a sophisticated swinger. Over 10 weeks with me, I give you 1–2–1 advice and teach you all the skills you need to communicate from a place of vulnerability and honesty. Not only will I show you how to do this, but I also explain why this is essential to the success of your relationship. I will discuss consent, rules, limits, and boundaries with you and teach you how to reach a compromise within your relationship.

In my couples session, I also give you the skills to understand and overcome jealousy within your relationship and other emotions such as insecurity that often arise when starting in the lifestyle. By the end of the 10 sessions with me as your couples coach, you will be ready to attend your first swinger event or have your first swinger date. The skills you will learn will not only benefit you when participating in the lifestyle, but they will begin to have a positive affect on other areas of your life.

Having honest conversations will become easier. Showing vulnerable emotion will become second nature. You will learn how to support one another on a deep, personal level as you connect with your partner and understand what is integral to them. By supporting them in this way, you are encouraging them to flourish, and in turn, your relationship becomes so much stronger for it.

Who wouldn’t want a partner who supports and understands them on a deeply personal level?

All this in 10 weeks? Come join me!