What Is Cuckolding, And Why Is It Popular In The Swinger Lifestyle?

Recently, one of my TKG Club members got in touch with me, asking me all about cuckolding and why it was popular in the swinger lifestyle?

Cuckolding is a practice I am a personal fan of and a dynamic apparent in several of my couple clients. It appears that cuckolding and Ethical Non-Monogamy go hand in hand, but why is this, and what exactly is cuckolding?

First, let’s explore where the word Cuckold comes from.

I wasn’t entirely sure, though I had my suspicions about it being based around Cuckoos and the fact that they lay their eggs in another bird’s nest. After a quick Google search, my suspicions were confirmed.

‘A Cuck is shortened from cuckold, a term that has been used to belittle the “husband of an unfaithful wife” since the 1200s. The word cuckold derives from a French word for the cuckoo bird. Just as the female cuckoo lays eggs in other birds’ nests, a cuckold’s wife sleeps in another man’s bed.’

Cuckold Terminoligies

There are several different cuckold terminologies that you may become familiar with the deeper you dive into the world of ENM and especially BDSM relationships. There are roles for both men and women within cuckolding.

I myself have been a cuckoldress.

Cuckold- The male partner in a cuckold relationship is often submissive and will give his consent for his female partner to engage in sexual acts with other men or women in front of him without any participation from him. He may also like humiliation or degradation. Cuckold men are often voyeurs.

Cuckquean- The female version of a cuckold. A cuckqueen may enjoy watching her partner engage in sexual acts with other people in front of her. She, too, may enjoy humiliation or aspects of BDSM.

Cuckoldress- A woman who cuckolds her husband. The husband, or boyfriend, is a cuckold. I myself have been a cuckoldress.

Cucked- One whose wife has had sexual relations with another man (for this to have happened, he will have given consent). When this happens, he will have been cucked.

Bull-is Often the term used to describe a single male swinger who has sex with the female half of a cuckold couple. Typically, bulls are dominant and thought of to be well-endowed.

Male Chastity- It is another popular dynamic that is sometimes practised along with cuckolding and Ethical Non-Monogamy. A male could have his genitals placed inside a cockcage and be ‘locked away’ for the duration of the party- thus being physically unable to get an erection. Again, this is another dynamic I have enjoyed.

Consent and cuckolding

‘I’ll never be good enough for you; I want to watch as you enjoy another man, a better man, a man whos worthy of you.

‘come here cucky, I need to cage you.’

‘no mistress please.’

She unbuttons his jeans and tugs them off along with his boxers. He feels humiliated already; all these people in the swingers club are watching him. She places the cage around his cock and snaps it shut, securing it with the padlock. She then walks over to the Bull she has been flirting with and runs her hands over his tight chest; her cucky watches as she begins to get undressed for the Bull, slowly, sexily.

‘sit in the corner, cuck’

All he can do is watch as she enjoys every inch of the Bull.

Ok.

For some people reading this, this sounds like absolute heaven, watching as your woman enjoys having sex in front of you, having been rendered completely powerless, humiliated and forced to watch, whereas, for others, it would be absolute hell. Plus, where was the consent? Where was the prior conversation? Was he really ok with it? Or did she do that at will?

Here’s the reality check. That scenario was one, real and two, between three consenting adults. I know this because that was my previous partner and me, and the Bull was a guy we had been chatting to in the swingers club who was very much on board with the dynamic and had spent time chatting with not only me but also my male partner. What we enjoyed in the club was, in fact, a fantasy that we had discussed at length, and we had drawn up rules, boundaries, and limits that supported this type of play.

Would the average Joe be ok with the husband watching as he had sex with his wife? In reality, probably not.

My male partner has given his consent to be caged and had asked if he could be humiliated publicly in this way. You see, here’s the thing: although this may sound like one person’s nightmare, the guy in question absolutely loved it, and likewise, so did I, but we both knew this type of fantasy could never become a reality unless we spoke about it and gave consent first. We had to trust one another immensely, and it only worked because we discussed it at length.

Why does Ethical Non-Monogamy appeal to cuckold couples?

Let’s take the above scenario and ask the following: How could this fantasy be made into a reality without participating in Ethical Non-Monogamy?

The answer is that it can’t. It simply wouldn’t work. Yes, you could approach a stranger at a bar and tell them of your desires, but you would still need each person’s consent and a clear understanding of the roles to be played.

Would the average Joe be ok with the husband watching as he had sex with his wife? In reality, probably not. Would most men be absolutely fine with their wives suddenly deciding this is happening without any prior conversation or discussion? I very much doubt it. But within the realms of Ethical Non-Monogamy, cuckolding fantasies can be made a reality; there’s no shortage of single men to choose from.

It’s still ethical even when one partner isn’t present.

But Rosie, what if the woman decides to have sex with another man when her husband isn’t present? Is this cheating or this ethical non-monogamy? Ok, see, here’s the thing: yes, she may meet up with a Bull and have sex with him, but she has still discussed this with her husband, and he will still have given his consent for this to happen. It may look on the outside like she is simply hooking up with a random man, and there’s nothing he can do about it, but this simply isn’t the case. Remember, you do not have to be a direct participant to give your consent. The rules are still followed, which makes it Ethical Non Monogamy as opposed to non-monogamy.

Three things Cuckolding isn’t

Because he’s not good enough- Couples don’t get into the cuckold lifestyle because ‘he is not good enough for her’, and anyone with this opinion needs a serious reality check. Couples enjoy this dynamic for a variety of reasons. It could be that this outlet is the only one where roles are reversed, and as a couple, they can explore this role reversal in the safety and confines of a swingers club.

Sometimes dialogue may be exchanged that is along the lines of, ‘You will have to watch as a real man takes me,’ but this is only subjective to the play being experienced at the time. She doesn’t mean this in truth; it’s simply something that they, as a couple, enjoy in the heat of the moment. An ex-play partner I used to have used to love being told he wasn’t big enough. However, the reality was far from this, but within the private world of our relationship, we could entertain this type of play.

Practised without clear rules and boundaries in place- Just like any other sexual practice, cuckolding doesn’t work unless all participants are respected and are following clear rules and boundaries shared between them all.

For weak men- On more than one occasion, I have heard some less well-informed men scoff at cuckold couples and declare that they would never be cucked as it’s only for ‘weak men’.

This is quite the contrary, and in my experience, it is cuckold men who are far more secure in themselves and their relationships than many of their non-cuckold peers. I’m not saying that all men should be cuckolded in order to feel secure, but it does give some men a sense of security. Let me explain.

A while ago, I was working with a US-based couple who wanted to explore cuckolding, but were unsure of how to go about it without jeopardising what they had. He, in particular, was unsure how he would feel when he saw his wife having sex with another man. Would he feel in some way less of a man or inferior? And would he be treated in this way? I wanted to give him some peace of mind, so I shared this with him:

Suppose you can take a backseat and enjoy being the spectator whilst this fantasy is played out in front of you, without needing to get involved or exert ‘ownership’ over your wife or your relationship.

That, to me, shows a great deal of integrity. It is a rare thing to be in a position where you can say,’ I don’t need to be involved as I am so secure in my relationship; just because I am not physically involved, it doesn’t make me any less male. I am confident and comfortable with my sexuality- this amount of self-security is something that is not often practised.