Will swinging fix a sexless marriage?
Will swinging fix a sexless marriage?
Recently, I received an email at Thiskindagirl from someone whose situation I believe many men would be able to relate to. Being in a marriage where sex wasn’t important to his wife. Now, although he didn’t ask me whether swinging would fix a sexless marriage per se, I could sense that this is where his mind was going. And to be honest with you, I could kind of see his logic. And it got me thinking: why do people believe swinging will fix a sexless marriage?
No sex + go to a swingers club with my wife + people there I can have sex with = I’ll be able to have sex!
Ahh, if only sex and marriage and swinging were this easy. Alas, they are not, which is why I am sitting here now, dissecting the email in question in the hopes of providing others who have had the brainwave of, wait, if I go to a swingers club, I will be able to have more sex! With a little clarity and logical thinking.
But first, I want to share with you part of the email in question:
‘…You see, for her, sex is not all that important. She can go without! On the other hand, I can not live without it, and I am not getting enough of it. I am the one wanting more and more. I desperately want us to start exploring the swinger lifetsyle, as I believe it could enrich both our lives. When we are in bed together, she will share with me her fantasies of there being others involved, but if I talk about making this a reality, she doesn’t want to talk about it; she says sex isn’t important and says she doesn’t want sex. Or she says I only want to start swinging as a way of getting sex. Help!’
Ok.
It is important to recognise that just because she doesn’t feel it is essential, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to speak with her about it.
These are her thoughts surrounding it, and as a couple, you have to be able to share your thoughts and listen to one another, even if that is uncomfortable for the other person. This needs to be replicated on both sides.
I can’t stop your wife from having these thoughts, but what I can do is advise that swinging won’t fix the problem of you not having sex; in theory, you would think it would, but it won’t; swinging only works if you are both invested in the journey and want to both explore the lifestyle. So, in response to what your wife may think, no, you don’t want to start swinging because you do not have enough sex; you want to start swinging as you want to explore Ethical non-monogamy as a couple and enjoy the emotional benefits that come with it- deeper conversation and communicating from a place of vulnerability.
Moving forward with your wife, I suggest you have a conversation about how sex is important to you and how relationship growth is also important because right now, you are stuck in teh same vicious cycle of fear and frustration.
Unless this chain is broken, you will be forever recycling this same conversation, I’m afraid. To do this, you need to introduce vulnerability into your relationship. Show a little openness in your relationship, and it might just pave the way for honesty, compassion and understanding. Instead of growing frustrated with your wife’s answer, you might be able to understand why she is so apprehensive, and she might be able to understand and listen to your true intentions instead of jumping to conclusions. Although it may be an uncomfortable subject for you to discuss, it is also really intimate and by sharing these intimate thoughts, you will ultimately feel closer to one another.
~
Many women who are in the wife’s position usually presume that because they don’t want sex as much as their husbands, their husbands are no longer happy. And then, if subsequently, their husbands do suggest swinging; they presume that this is because they either 1) do not fulfil their husbands sexually or 2) are no longer desirable, and in the woman’s mind, this suggestion had proved her right all along.
He wants to go to a swingers club because I don’t satisfy him, and now he wants sex with other women!
Well, yes.
That might not be so far from the uncomfortable truth. Chances are there will be other women he can have sex with, and I’m sure he will be sexually attracted to these women. But I know this isn’t his sole reason for suggesting swinging in the first place. Being able to also get involved is a byproduct of the lifetsyle. A lifestyle is usually a shared activity and equal for both parties. The wife’s insecurities and her realisation of what swinging can offer are to blame here.
‘I don’t put out, so now he wants to go to a swingers club to get his rocks off, but if he goes to a club and meets someone better than me, where will that leave us? Swinging sounds threatening, so I’ll say no and hope he understands or doesn’t mention it again.’
Using a cannonball to kill a mosquito
I’m sure you have heard that saying, ‘It’s like using a cannonball to kill a mosquito’ Well, that’s how I view trying to fix a sexless marriage by going to a swingers club. It’s probably the worst idea possible. There’s a reason the two people aren’t having sex, and the problem won’t be cured by them having sex with other people.
Now, I am not a sex therapist, or any kind of therapist for that matter, but what I will say is that unless you can talk about sex or intimacy first, you shouldn’t even be discussing going to a swingers club because you are lining yourself up for disaster.
Will swinging fix a sexless marriage? No, but this might…
The vicious cycle many women find themselves in.
Sadly, many women in this position find themselves in a vicious cycle of not wanting sex, then rejecting their husband’s suggestions and being unable to find any solution or compromise due to their own insecurity. Kind of like this:
The wife doesn’t want sex.
The husband wants to talk about sex/ the possibility of Ethical Monogamy.
The wife becomes fearful and insecure about what this could mean and suddenly feels threatened by his suggestions.
She shuts down all conversations surrounding this topic out of fear.
He feels frustrated and possibly rejected.
They don’t have sex.
As you can see, the couple end up right back where they started. The only way to break this cycle is to introduce vulnerability as a tool in their relationship to allow them to communicate about the things they fear. Vulnerability is one of the most valuable tools in a relationship as it enables people to communicate with one another from within, listen to one another and show compassion.
What you should do instead
I always teach my clients that conversations and moving forward in their relationships start from a place of vulnerability. Sharing your vulnerabilities is the only way that you can address fear and anxiety, and even if couples do like having sex and both want to be part of the lifestyle, they still need to start from the same vulnerable, uncomfortable place of beating hearts and awkward conversations.
Now, I can’t determine why this lady doesn’t want to talk about sex or have sex, and neither would I like to speculate as to why that might be. Still, one thing I do know is that if this couple could talk about their fears and show a little vulnerability in their relationship, then it might pave the way for honesty, compassion and understanding. Instead of the husband growing frustrated with his wife’s answer, he might understand why she is so apprehensive, and she might be able to understand and listen to his true intentions instead of jumping to conclusions.
Will swinging fix a sexless marriage? Absolutely not. Will communicating with one another from a place of vulnerability? Most probably. Can I help you do this? Sure, it’s one of the fundamentals I teach people when they come to me for coaching. As for the swinging bit, yes, I can teach you that as well, but let’s focus on the talking bit for now, eh?
