Yes, I teach couples how to play with couples, but their relationship is the most important thing to me.

I may teach couples how to play with couples, but their relationship is the most important thing to me.

Sitting opposite me are a couple who, like many before them, have decided to venture into the great unknown of the open relationship.

Filled with a desire for a foursome (or so they said in their pre-consultation notes), they sit, sharing a nervous, excited energy and the desire to invite a like-minded couple into their marital bed.

What will it be like? How will it feel? Will they be like us?

There are so many unknowns and so many exciting first times to be explored!

Essentially, you can have your cake and eat it, but your cake needs to be stored correctly to stop it from spoiling.

But before they cross this bridge, which they believe they are about to step onto, bravely, boldly and filled with ambitions of seeing one another with someone else, I step in and, like a firm but fair teacher, tell them, no, we need to do some groundwork first.

He, in particular, looks crestfallen. She, a little relieved.

‘But I thought you would teach us how to meet other couples?’

Yes, I will, but I must first work with you to nurture your relationship. All the good stuff; relax; it’s not going anywhere. But unless I teach you how to cherish what you have, I won’t be doing my job responsibly as a coach.

Here’s the thing: anyone can visit a swingers club, meet a couple or arrange a date, but only the most diligent of couples actually succeed in the lifestyle.

Sadly, many couples get so absorbed in the fantasy of what they believe having a foursome entails that they end up doing the one thing they are terrified of the most. Jeopardising their relationship. So, before I teach you how to meet fellow swingers, chat with a couple in a club or have a four-way full swap, let’s talk about you.

Why your relationship is the most important thing

When I sit down with my couple clients for their initial consultation with me, I always explain how I will work with them to ensure that their existing relationship is cherished and nurtured throughout their journey.

This sometimes confuses people, and they ask me ‘but I thought you would teach us how to meet other couples?’ yes, I reply, but your relationship is the priority because, without a rock solid base, you can’t enjoy anything that is viewed as an ‘added extra’.

Essentially, you can have your cake and eat it, but your cake needs to be stored correctly to stop it from spoiling.

Your relationship is viewed as the most important thing and is intertwined with adopting a high-value mindset. It’s about working together to ensure that your actions have a beneficial effect on your relationship. For many couples, when they embark on their lifestyle journey, they soon realise that with this comes personal growth and relationship maturity. They realise that without the relationship, there is no involvement in the lifestyle, so they have to work together if they want to enjoy it.

There is no right or wrong way to be Ethically Non-monogamous. However, all forms of this relationship type have one resounding factor: they are all based on honesty and clear communication and are in no way coercive. Hence the ‘Ethical’.

The one thing couples are scared of the most: Will Swinging Ruin Our Relationship?

Here is a reality check: When exploring ENM, unless you have the groundwork in place, you will inevitably run into difficulties as soon as you start to experience uncomfortable situations or act in a way that doesn’t support one another.

But will swinging ruin our relationship?

I would be irresponsible to say ‘no’ when I am asked this question. And, of course, it’s a massive concern to couples; no one actively wants to cause disruption and upset in their relationship and put their partner in a situation they do not wish to be in.

The correct answer is yes; potentially, it can ruin your relationship (just like any other dynamic-altering thing can), but if you work together to cherish your relationship, it doesn’t have to.

Although it was sex that initially drew them together, deep emotional attachment and fulfilment on both sides are what keeps them in love.

I believe swinging is the most helpful way of responding to your body’s needs and desires. It encourages us to embrace who we are without jeopardising what we already have. I identify as bisexual; I always have and always will. Without swinging as an outlet, what would I do? Suppress my urges and be unhappy, unable to embrace who I am? Go behind my loved one’s back to fulfil these needs in secret and risk losing his trust and him in the process?

No way! Swinging is a healthy and natural way of ensuring these desires are met.

I have met a variety of couples over the years, all with different ideas about swinging, and one factor has always stood out for me. They all present themselves as a rock-solid team, with an impenetrable core bond. They may meet other people who are younger, more attractive and perhaps kinkier, but what these couples have is a deep emotional attachment to one another. They understand that the desires that are acting upon are simply their body’s response to being in a long-term relationship.

These couples understand that their bond with their chosen partner is built on so much more than just sex.

Although it was sex that initially drew them together, deep emotional attachment and fulfilment on both sides are what keeps them in love. When you swing, you evolve as a couple; you continually explore and facilitate desires instead of suppressing them or act alone.

Here are 5 top tips that I share with my clients:

How to nurture their relationships whilst being Ethically non-monogamous:

• Your involvement in the lifestyle is only possible with the other person, so essentially, you are both facilitating one another’s involvement. Even if you are both not into the same thing or wish to both be ‘active participants’ by giving your consent, showing compassion and reaching an understanding are not possible without the two of you coming together.
• There’s no Ethical in acting alone, and this is a journey for both of you to go on. If you do go to a swinger’s club or party, remember that you arrived as a couple, and will leave as a couple, regardless of what happens once you are inside. One fear that many couples have is that they will get to the club, and then something drastic will happen inside, and they will leave in complete disarray, their relationship in tatters after interacting with someone inside who persuades them or their partner to leave their existing relationship. This is highly unlikely to ever happen. People don’t visit clubs hoping to ruin other people’s relationships. Most partygoers are other couples looking to swap with couples.
• Only be involved in a swinger’s party, event, couple meet etc, if you are both feeling good about doing so. It’s okay to have reservations, but if one of you is unwell or has expressed a desire not to attend, then as a couple, you should consider not going. Your relationship is far more important than any party.
• Life is busy! If you have yet to spend time together and have a party coming up at the end of the week but feel like you need to connect first, then it’s more beneficial to do that. Instead of going to a club, go away for the weekend or go out for dinner, you can only enjoy the lifestyle if you are connected first. I can certainly speak from experience with this one, and many times I have been so busy with life that when the night of the party or event has rolled around, I have found that the thought of being in a club environment is not very appealing. There will always be other parties and events.
• When chatting to other people online or in chat groups, it can be easy to get wrapped up in a conversation, leaving your partner feeling like they are on the outside looking in. Make sure you use language such as we/ us/ he/ she when talking to others, and it can be beneficial to have a group chat where all people can see the conversation and, if they want to, join in.