You’re Teaching Him To Lie, and Other Uncomfortable Truths I Tell My Coaching Clients

You’re Teaching Him To Lie, and Other Uncomfortable Truths I Tell My Coaching Clients- By Rosie Kay

When I started coaching couples, I perhaps underestimated the number of times I’d have to give them the uncomfortable truth about what was happening in their relationships or what was likely to happen if they didn’t wish to follow my advice.

many couples apply this tactic whenever they feel insecure, unsure or need reassurance.

Now, I don’t want to sound like I’m scaring you; that is not my intention. But I believe that offering an insight into this side of my work will demonstrate how I help my clients overcome many obstacles they face.

I’m sure you will be able to relate to being in their position and find it reassuring to know that I, too, have experienced each one of these, and yes, it was uncomfortable for me too.

So, if you are feeling brave…

You’re Teaching Him To Lie

I remember the look on her face when I said, ‘you’re teaching him to lie.’

Shock, denial, then panic.

‘It’s ok; I reassured her; I know, I’ve been guilty of this too.’

She frowned and shook her head.

‘But, that’s the last thing I want.’

‘I know, it’s ok, I understand.’

‘Do you?’

‘Of course, what I’m about to teach you is from my own experience.’

So…

Let me explain how I came to deliver this piece of news to her.

Here’s something that we have all been guilty of (both men and women) seeking reassurance from our partners to appease our own insecurities. Basically, teaching your partner to lie because it makes you feel better.

We are all familiar with the ‘does my bum look big in this?’ question.

Well, it’s the same angle.

‘no darling, you look fine.’

Now it could be that her bum looks fine, but I don’t need to tell you that nothing other than the above is the only correct way to answer.

However, sadly, many couples apply this tactic whenever they feel insecure, unsure or need reassurance.

I’m not saying that needing reassurance is bad; we all feel insecure from time to time, but if you are guilty of any of the following and do it regularly, you are teaching your partner that telling you a white lie to make you feel better is ok.

And with this acceptance can come complacency and further lies.

If half-truths become the norm because the only reason you ask the questions is to make you feel good (due to the fact you are neglecting the deeper cause), you will forever be in a state of needing that constant reassurance without real resolve.

Here are a few examples.

‘Were you looking at her?’

‘Do you fancy him?’

‘Did she flirt with you?’

‘Did you chat with anyone online?’

All these questions stem from insecurity, and it is the insecurity that needs addressing, not the questions themselves.

the actual root cause has not been addressed, it’s only been smothered by a pacifying plaster.

Asking questions is fine, but not wanting to hear the truth that’s where it gets tricky.

All these questions have one thing in common: they all include ‘threats’ to your relationship, and in the asker’s mind, these threats and concerns they cause need soothing.

The person being questioned knows this to be the case, so what’s the easiest thing they do in this situation?

Reply with ‘no’ even if that’s not the truth.

Because, let’s face it, it’s easier, right?

You say no, and they stop asking…until the next time the process is repeated.

Why? Because the actual root cause has not been addressed, it’s only been smothered by a pacifying plaster.

And let’s be honest, we have all been guilty of being both the asker and the answerer.

And sometimes, being the answerer can make you feel pretty lousy. You know that your partner needs reassurance, and you know they are feeling insecure, but you also know that telling them the truth could potentially be a step too far.

‘She DID flirt with you? Oh my god, how could you let this happen? And who else have you been chatting to and…’

You get the picture, right?

So as far as you are concerned, it’s easier to lie.

But is there an alternative?

Yes, and I’ll share with you how to steer the conversation the next time you are asked, ‘did she flirt with you?’

The Solution

Here’s the thing, most people (and I include my former self in this), upon asking this question, are so pre-prepared for the truth that they expect you to say ‘no’ (because up until this point, you have been pacifying them with what they want to hear so why would you say anything else?).

And perhaps a few times, you might have responded with, ‘you always ask me this, why do you think I’m looking at other people/flirting with others/ cheating on you/ leaving you?

But when one partner needs constant reassurance and pacifying, it can see you stuck in a continuous cycle of mistrust, insecurity and sadness.

Which I’m sure results in an argument or upset or one partner needing more reassurance. I’m on the right track, right?

So what you need to do, is say something a little bit like this.

‘Yeah, the girl in the supermarket did flirt with me, but I brushed it. I can’t control what other people say to me, but what I can do is not respond how they want me to. So, yes, she flirted, but I didn’t reciprocate.’

Or,

‘I can’t control other people’s actions, but what I can do is not respond how they want me to. People will always check us both out and flirt with us, but they have minimal impact on our life together.’

If these answers are backed up by your actions, in my opinion, it leaves very little room for doubt in your partner’s mind.

Sometimes telling someone what they want to hear is needed, and we all must be empathetic in certain situations.

But when one partner needs constant reassurance and pacifying, it can see you stuck in a continuous cycle of mistrust, insecurity and sadness.

It can become dangerous territory.

So what happened to the woman I referred to at the beginning of this article? At first, she was shocked, but with my support, I helped her understand that her insecurities kept her trapped in her vicious cycle.

Her continual asking was to keep placing another pacifying plaster on top of a deep insecurity wound she had.

Once she accepted that not every woman was a threat to her relationship and that, yes, you can believe your boyfriend when he says he’s not interested in other women, she slowly began to realise that the truth wasn’t so bad to hear.